How Am I Going To Do This?

The past month has left me shattered. I have had so many anxious thoughts in connection with work. I have tried to rest more this weekend, which is not easy when I have so much to do, but I don’t feel as if I have recovered yet. Everything feels sore – my heart and mind feel battered.

I need to be fresh to start my new job with enthusiasm and give learning a new role my full attention, but right now I am scared of facing anything remotely similar.

I was talking about it with Jack over the weekend. What we do as unpaid volunteers with organizations registered as charities – is all about people. Love is the root of everything we do. The endless motivation and energy for the roles we have that yields refreshment and joy even when we are very physically tired.

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But I have just been in a situation where a lack of interest, lack of concern, lack of time, lack of sensitivity, lack of compassion – it just became demoralizing. “Wellbeing” is a sort of buzzword for many who are trying their best to voice their desire to be good employers. I respect all the words aired and published by an organization on that subject. But it has to infiltrate the entire structure of the organization. It cannot be a vague indefinable concept.

I have a genuine fear now or interacting with any other organization that could be so inept at the handling of a wellbeing issue. I have this fog in my mind that is preventing me from feeling wholly committed to a new organization until I know for certain that they are not going to act unethically.

The challenge right now is that no amount of sleep or rest is going to convince me to trust a new employer. I just have to go ahead with it and build an effective working relationship and trust that they are decent and with conscience.

I am going to have a rice cracker and some hummus and then try to rest. I need all the rest I can after the fraught month I have just experienced.