I do not know what happened to me yesterday (I mean Monday). I woke up feeling just fine, but some how, my spirits plummeted. I think there were a combination of factors:
- Jack is going to be away for almost six weeks and I am already sulky without him
- I am applying for just about any part-time job I can because I feel as if I have reached a dead-end in my current role
- I am trying to keep the garden here alive while my landlords are away by collecting my shower water in a big plastic box (I ought to photos this) and catching all the waste water I use in my washing up bowl and lugging it up to throw on the flowerbeds – and it is exhausting in the heat
- I miss my family
- I am worrying about people who have to decide: eat or heat?
- I have nowhere near enough time to do everything I need to, let alone the things I would like to do
- Goldfinch is in my thoughts all the time
Some of it is just silliness. But by the end of the day, I just felt so tearful. I had woken up just fine, so I was not expecting all of that to effect me. But then TOM (time of the month) arrived and that sort of explained how from absolutely nowhere I went from being happy and carefree to gloomy and fretful.
I do need more early nights. I do also need to make sure that I fight for the time to do the things that make me feel alive and full of life. I simply am not getting enough of creation and adventure. I need to do something about that. I cannot just be a hamster on a wheel until Jack comes back and lifts my spirits.