An Aching Heart And Buckets Of Tears

I crashed yesterday. It had to come at some point. I think it was because of tiredness. We lost an hour when the clocks went forwards, and…on top of that, I had a phone call in the middle of the night from a lady I help who had collapsed and was frightened. So I had to get up and venture out onto London streets on my own in the loneliest hour of the night to go and see how she was.

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So yesterday….yesterday I sensed an emotional pressure building within. It is acutely linked to losing one of my dear friends last week. The pain has been there all week, but this horrid world means you have to just get on with the mundane tasks of work, commuting on crowded trains, staring at a computer screen….and although I know I was quiet, I could not break down in front of all my colleagues.

While I was working alongside Jack – who is still immersed with the relief work in Eastern Europe to help those who have had to flee their homes. Now, I love that Jack can speak so many languages, but with him yabbering away in Romanian, I could not concentrate. So I told him I was taking a break. I went into the kitchen to make a coffee and while waiting for the Nespresso machine to gargle my coffee into the patient cup I had placed below it, I flicked on the television. It just happened that the concluding scenes of one of my favourite romantic period dramas were right there on the screen. The last few scenes of “North And South” (the English version).

Those emotionally charged scenes, and the music, the haunting music, it pushed me over the edge. Jack came in to see me heaving with sobs.

I am so deeply sad to have lost my friend. My heart is aching. I know very well that I will see her again, but right now the pain is like a sharp sword. I hate that having so many other commitments meant I was unable to spend as much time with her as I would have liked. Perhaps I feel some guilt for that. I did visit…but not often enough. I wish I could have said no to other commitments to be with her more. Or am I being selfish? Did she need me when there were others who loved her to the core always by her side? It’s just so sad. Part of me wishes I had possessed the courage to say to my boss, “sorry working for money seems so irrelevant while my friend is so ill”. This oppressive commercial world….which just keeps trying to work out a way to suck more money, more time, more of our life away from us is really trying my patience.

We have our little break to the Lakes to look forward to next week, and catching up on sleep will help, I know it will. But grief is not something that can be magicked away – it rather irritates me when some imply that it can. Or the old corker – the claim that we should be rejoicing rather than mourning.

Still – I understand that people will voice cherished beliefs that are comforting them, sustaining them, so I ought to recognize their sincerity and the kindness of their heart that prompts them to make these comments.

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