Sometimes It Does Not Make Any Sense

I am blaming both my TOM and also Thomas Hardy for this….but I am writing about it because I am trying to make sense of it.

I found myself in the unusual situation of unexpected and inexplicable tears early this morning.

Eye, Tear, Sadness, Cry, Sad, Human, Expression

Maybe it was the agony I felt for poor Tess of the D’Ubervilles. Jack is coming back on Wednesday, and I should see him on Saturday night for the first time since mid-June. You know how much I love Jack, how incredibly grateful I am. But watching the dramatization of Thomas Hardy’s desperately tragic novel provoked suppressed fears deep within.

I do trust Jack. I really do. But putting your trust in someone brings a certain vulnerability. Trust can be broken or betrayed. I am sure Jack would never treat me the way poor Tess is treated. Yet how frightening a thought it is to be let down by someone who fills your heart with hope and makes you feel so happy.

For some reason, I kept on thinking of Goldfinch. I was weeping within because it is so long since I saw him. Jack knows how much I love Goldfinch, how much he means to me. Goldfinch unwittingly became a source of safety to me, after a harsh storm in my lift. He was careful never to let me entertain the hope of a permanent future with him. Yet he allowed me to enjoy happiness with him, he added so much to my happiness. Sometimes I long to be in his arms.

Confusing – isn’t it! I am deeply happy that I am going to marry the man who is absolutely ideal for me in every way. There is no question in my mind that Jack is as close to a perfect match and compliment to me and I am to him as could ever be. “We dream the same dream, we want the same things”. I am full of hope and happiness. But the vulnerability, the fear of it all falling apart and ending in desperate tears.

Is it pre-wedding jitters? It will all be fine when Jack is back and I can look into his eyes and know….he won’t let me down again.

6 thoughts on “Sometimes It Does Not Make Any Sense”

  1. The way life happened and you were reunited with Jack, you shouldn’t have any doubts. You were meant to be together. I hope when he comes, he lays your fears to rest.


  2. He will let you down….but not on that scale. He is not perfect, even if he is close to perfect for you. He will make mistakes, forget things, lost his temper, but I know that he has had years to decide what he wants and who he wants – he is not going to let you down when it comes to sticking to his vows to you.


  3. 1. I like this website design better than the previous one. It’s much easier to navigate, which I appreciate.
    2. I’m sorry to hear about the tears. Isn’t it funny how anything can shake up some strong feelings?
    3. I was always confused about the various men in your life, but I blamed it on my infrequent check-ins. As long as you have clarity, all is good.


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