Sometimes It Does Not Make Any Sense

I am blaming both my TOM and also Thomas Hardy for this….but I am writing about it because I am trying to make sense of it.

I found myself in the unusual situation of unexpected and inexplicable tears early this morning.

Maybe it was the agony I felt for poor Tess of the D’Ubervilles. Jack is coming back on Wednesday, and I should see him on Saturday night for the first time since mid-June. You know how much I love Jack, how incredibly grateful I am. But watching the dramatization of Thomas Hardy’s desperately tragic novel provoked suppressed fears deep within.

I do trust Jack. I really do. But putting your trust in someone brings a certain vulnerability. Trust can be broken or betrayed. I am sure Jack would never treat me the way poor Tess is treated. Yet how frightening a thought it is to be let down by someone who fills your heart with hope and makes you feel so happy.

For some reason, I kept on thinking of Goldfinch. I was weeping within because it is so long since I saw him. Jack knows how much I love Goldfinch, how much he means to me. Goldfinch unwittingly became a source of safety to me, after a harsh storm in my lift. He was careful never to let me entertain the hope of a permanent future with him. Yet he allowed me to enjoy happiness with him, he added so much to my happiness. Sometimes I long to be in his arms.

Confusing – isn’t it! I am deeply happy that I am going to marry the man who is absolutely ideal for me in every way. There is no question in my mind that Jack is as close to a perfect match and compliment to me and I am to him as could ever be. “We dream the same dream, we want the same things”. I am full of hope and happiness. But the vulnerability, the fear of it all falling apart and ending in desperate tears.

Is it pre-wedding jitters? It will all be fine when Jack is back and I can look into his eyes and know….he won’t let me down again.