I wrote this post a year ago…xx
It’s hard to explain the effect of the last few weeks. If you have experienced how PTSD can play a cruel game of “cat and mouse” with you, goading you, teasing and tormenting, trying to find the fragile cracks in the rebuilt you…then you perhaps don’t need my attempt to explain it.
The inside of my chest feels sore because so many times during the past month, I have woken up, or experienced in the daylight, a horrible fear, a chilling flashback, and devastating memories and emotions that want to make me crumble again. My chest hurts after the stress levels of the past month have soared.
Anyway….I am going to have a rest over the next few days. I have some time off work, and I need to rest up and recover from the damage that stress has caused. I am still not 100% sure how I will spend all of my time off. Today, I have gone walkabout, but without knowing where there are public toilets that are open, I can imagine I won’t be able to go too far. I don’t want to be tied to a plan over these few days. I want to feel free. Freedom is part of what helps me to feel better.
I just want to let you know, I have scheduled some of my older posts to be republished over the next few days. They are posts from the past. They are not current. I mention this because I think I sometimes have confused people when I have done this before.
Most of you will know me and Jack are together now, as a couple. It still astonishes me at times that things have worked out for us. So things have changed dramatically since I wrote a lot of these posts. Jack has read these posts and we have discussed what I wrote a lot.
He and I are in a good place. I am looking forward to seeing him soon…after his fourteen day quarantine is over. But the two of us have challenges ahead. There is still an oppressive question mark hanging over the future. Right now…I personally feel neither of us need to feel pressured into any big decisions. We should be allowed to enjoy being together at long last, and I am every reluctant to let anyone else scrutinise us. To be in the life we want to lead together, there would be a lot of scrutiny – I am not ready for that.
So right now…we are not making plans…we just talk about possibilities in the future. All sorts of possibilities. We will have to wait and see. But we seem to be living at a time when making plans is much harder than it used to be.
Right….anyway….ciao for now – I am having a rest – just don’t be anxious about me when you see my older posts appearing. I have recovered so much peace since Jack and I ended our silence and ended up together.