It’s that time of year again. Perhaps to someone who has never been through a life-changing trauma, it is hard to understand the need to let out the hurt inside once in a while. But others will know that if you don’t let that hurt out, you start to become erratic and agitated and scary!!!
I think a number of you know what my life-changing traumatic experience involved. Others perhaps have no idea what I am referring to. Well….it is now six years ago – six whole years since I was the victim of a terrible crime. Strangely perhaps, I found it not too difficult to process what had happened, and to box it up and put it on the top shelf where I did not think about it very often. There were a lot of other stressful factors that have been a lot harder to deal with, but making peace with Jack has healed so many of the wounds that came before the night I went to a park on my own….the location where I was later attacked.
But even though I rarely think of what happened to me that night, around this time of year, the reminders start pouring in. The hot weather, the smell of grass, Italian food, animals screeching in the night…they seem to be like little triggers (doh – was trying not to use that word!)…ok like little distortions in subspace that send me through a wormhole right back to that night.
How else do you describe a “flashback”? (Another word I was trying to avoid!) The recollection is so real, so terrifyingly real, that I really feel as if I am right there, and it is happening in the present. It is such a powerful phenomenon and it is unpredictable and deeply disturbing. The brain can do some bizarre things.
I woke up on Sunday night full of anger. I am not a person who gets angry. But the memory of what was done to me….I was enraged. Jack is away at the moment. He knows this time of year is tough for me. He has been sending me lots of messages and emails with photos of his trip. I am so grateful to have his love. As I mentioned earlier…it has resulted in enormous healing.
Yet…even though my life is now blessed beyond all of my expectations…I find that I need to take the box off the shelf, and have my tears and let the pain out. Every year someone seems to become distressed that I can be sad. I find that odd. Hey…being sad when you have a good reason is ok!! Even Jesus was sad at times! It is ok for Melody to be sad because of the painful memories.
This is a time of year that will pass. The memories will fade. The box will be sealed tight again and it will go back up onto the top shelf, where I will forget all about it. So if you recognize my posts and know you have read them before….please feel free to skip them. If you have not seen them before…please don’t get your knickers in a twist about them. I am just letting myself grieve. I am allowed my tears, my sadness, my anger for these few days as the memories flood over me. I don’t want to write anything fresh. I don’t really have more to say about what happened. I just need to mark it as a calamity, an injustice, a crime that robbed me of so much.
And…it is ok! I am ok. I am more than ok in fact! I am getting married to the man who was the pivotal reason why I was overcome with despair and foolishly allowed myself to abandon my senses in the night on my own. I am living my happy ending every day…and so much healing has been accomplished, so much joy has been regained. But if I don’t let myself have a few tears…I will go crazy!