I feel a little bit odd. I just made a huge decision, one of the biggest decisions of my life, and yet I don’t feel as if anything has changed. I feel a little bit lost.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I want to see my mum. I want to see Mum and Dad and the rest of my family. I want to see my closest friends. But I do not want to put anyone at risk obviously.
I have spoken to lots of my nearest and dearest on the phone these past few weeks. But I have not seen them. I have been going into work, taking off my ring and locking it safely away in my locker, before donning PPE. I like my workmates, but I share very little of my personal life with them.
That has become my habit since the trauma I faced years ago. I find that even when I share a little with someone who does not understand my life before the attack, they misunderstand, they say things that don’t fit my situation. So I put on a front to satisfy them.
I am going to get married to a well known celebrity. Bizarre in some ways, and yet 2020 has made it completely taken the fear out of my precarious situation.
Anyway….it is all fine. The center of my world is Jack. He is the one I am focusing on above all else. We’ve been talking about when and where our wedding will be but it seems impossible to plan right now. I spend as much time with him as I can outside of work. He has been wonderful, wonderful, in so many ways. I am happy. I would just like this to feel more real.
Perhaps I am wrong, but I feel as if seeing my loved ones would make it more real.