It’s hard to swallow that some people who you think are wonderful, don’t feel the same way about you. I know me. I am happy with me. But when the people I most admire don’t seem happy with me – I don’t know what I can do sometimes. I cannot undo the past.
Some of those I admired and sought acceptance from years ago, seem to have thought from the start that there was something about me that caused them to not bother making any effort with me. Back then, I was just so eager to please them.
Anyway…this is not going to be a whiny post. I don’t want to let it become that. It just surprised me to learn that when I suddenly vanished from London just over five years ago, they voiced some remarks about me being “unreliable”.
That might not sound much…but when it comes to volunteers, they want three things…availability, humility and reliability. I had a valid reason to vanish from London. I was attacked and left unconscious. I needed to flee the goldfish bowl and be somewhere quiet and kind to come to terms with what had happened. My family provided that much needed haven.
Anyway…recently, I have seen some of the directors of charities I have worked for a long time. Jack is so popular with them. I am not. I can tell. Hmm. I hope that they will warm to me. Because I ain’t going nowhere! I am Jack’s. I am going to be by his side in public and in private. So, it would be nice to receive a little more warmth from them.
There are other things that would be nice to receive from them. Acceptance for who I am, acceptance that Jack and I are a couple. Validation that I made the right choice in leaving from London before thousands of colleagues found out that I had been attacked. It was a good call.
Sigh! I think they are wonderful. I just wish they thought I was wonderful too. They are immensely self-sacrificing, tremendously dynamic, and between them they have given countless years to volunteering to help others. They just don’t like any nonsense, any distractions from their purpose. I mustn’t let my disappointment show that they are not as warm with me as I wish they were.
I am disappointed because it is looking obvious that as Jack and I plan for our future, it has become obvious that Jack will have to give up being an international volunteer. I will explain it another time.
Caramel 
How awful! I hope that life works out for you and that you can find some peace and solace {hugs}
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I have to accept that all though things have worked out wonderfully for me in so many ways, there are lots of people who will not understand the drama I faced in the past and realize that many lies were published about me.
I have to let it go. I have to look forwards and enjoy now.
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That seems hypocritical. Do they judge the people that they help with their volunteer work? Do they decide that it’s not okay for those people to be disadvantaged in some way and need help? They may do good work, but that snobbishness seems to run contrary to the whole idea of volunteerism.
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I don’t think they are judging me as a bad person. They have worked hard themselves and avoided distractions for so long, decades in their cases. They want media attention for the work the charities do, and all the people who benefit from the many acts of giving from hundreds of thousands of volunteers.
I think that the directors were 50/50 split on Jack when he gave up his career to become a full-time international volunteer. There was a lot of media attention on him. They wanted the media attention not to be on an individual volunteer but on the collective teamwork and the work being done on a none-glory seeking basis. Jack is so energetic and gregarious, he became a huge asset in so many ways. Jack genuinely experienced stress because of me and it caused trouble. To see our personal relationship (when we were not even together) was all over social media instead of the wonderful work he was doing. It was bad. I know it was bad.
I just don’t think they understood how much distress I went through. Jack is partly responsible for that. He kept on downplaying it. He kept on saying it would all blow over and people would get bored of such a trivial subject. Only it did not blow over until months after I was attacked. I remember when I was up north that my sister would tell me about something she had seen on Instagram about me.
Some of these directors are in their eighties and nineties and they have been incredible examples for decades. They are still working full-time – they are tremendous. They hardly know what to make of social media. I think it shocked them that so much was published about me. I would hope they would grasp how untrue it was. But it was a huge dilemma for them to have a a scandal surrounding one of their full time international volunteers. It did take away from all the positives of the work I was involved with.
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I think that the older generation you are referring to are sometimes too parochial. You are right in what you say, they don’t like any nonsense, they don’t want any drama. They don’t want to hear too much of the personal goings-on of individual volunteers when they have so much important work on their plate. It distracts from the nobility of their work.
I know over the years that whenever there was too much drama they tried to move people around to disperse those who were causing “upsets”. I have seen many people sent to long-term projects quite suddenly.
You know darling that they don’t have anything personal against you, they just had no idea what to do about the drama that developed around you.
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They are so focused on the work they do. I see that they want all full time volunteers to have the same focus. Maybe back then it was more obvious than I realized how much I was struggling.
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There are a lot of very dedicated focused men and women working hard and they don’t like anything to undo all the good they are committed to.
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You know who you are. My guess is that if you continue to be yourself they will warm to you again.
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We had a patient the other day who was yelling and abusive – long story – but I could deal with that because I knew we were doing our very best for him, he just did not understand why the Doctor would not prescribe medicines that would be hazardous for him. I could process that and move on.
It’s weird how I can cope with abuse from strangers, but when someone you really respect does not seem to think a lot of you it hurts.
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I understand that you want them to like you. You’re an awesome person though. I have loads of respect for you. Keep being your amazing self.
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❤ Thank you ❤
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It feels horrible when the people you want to like you don’t like you back as much as you wanted. I’ve been there, I guess we all have at some point in our lives. Most importantly though – you like you, so keep being you 💚
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Thank you Katey ❤
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I have struggled with trying to please everyone and be ‘liked’. The truth is you can’t please everyone no matter how much you’d like to. Someone once told me ‘what other people think of you is none of your business, what you think of you is your business’
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So true ❤
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