It’s hard to swallow that some people who you think are wonderful, don’t feel the same way about you. I know me. I am happy with me. But when the people I most admire don’t seem happy with me – I don’t know what I can do sometimes. I cannot undo the past.
Some of those I admired and sought acceptance from years ago, seem to have thought from the start that there was something about me that caused them to not bother making any effort with me. Back then, I was just so eager to please them.
Anyway…this is not going to be a whiny post. I don’t want to let it become that. It just surprised me to learn that when I suddenly vanished from London just over five years ago, they voiced some remarks about me being “unreliable”.
That might not sound much…but when it comes to volunteers, they want three things…availability, humility and reliability. I had a valid reason to vanish from London. I was attacked and left unconscious. I needed to flee the goldfish bowl and be somewhere quiet and kind to come to terms with what had happened. My family provided that much needed haven.
Anyway…recently, I have seen some of the directors of charities I have worked for a long time. Jack is so popular with them. I am not. I can tell. Hmm. I hope that they will warm to me. Because I ain’t going nowhere! I am Jack’s. I am going to be by his side in public and in private. So, it would be nice to receive a little more warmth from them.
There are other things that would be nice to receive from them. Acceptance for who I am, acceptance that Jack and I are a couple. Validation that I made the right choice in leaving from London before thousands of colleagues found out that I had been attacked. It was a good call.
Sigh! I think they are wonderful. I just wish they thought I was wonderful too. They are immensely self-sacrificing, tremendously dynamic, and between them they have given countless years to volunteering to help others. They just don’t like any nonsense, any distractions from their purpose. I mustn’t let my disappointment show that they are not as warm with me as I wish they were.
I am disappointed because it is looking obvious that as Jack and I plan for our future, it has become obvious that Jack will have to give up being an international volunteer. I will explain it another time.