08 | Jul | 2020

How does it sound to other people when I tell them I have head injuries? I have never worried about it. To me it is a fact. I suppose I speak of it in a matter of fact manner. A stranger struck and kicked my head so many times I was left completely unconscious. A security guard found me covered in blood.

But look at me! Hey…I am in pretty good shape considering (they say) my attacker left me thinking I was dead. Not dead. Alive and kicking.

People, Girl, Hat, Woman, Sad, Alone

Someone said something to me this month that I found hard to swallow. I had mentioned that I have always found that the most effective method of learning for me was to read content and be able to refer back to it. I am much more likely to retain information I read than if I hear it verbally passed on.

I made the comment, “That is especially so since I received head injuries. I find it difficult to concentrate on someone who is speaking – I miss a lot of what they say, but if I can read a statement, I am able to grasp and retain it“.

I was told not to mention my head injuries in general conversation as it can “go against me”. The NHS might question if I should be in the role I am. I am safe to work. I do still have the effects of my head injuries including daily head pain when I wake up (which just seems to be unresolvable – every time I am horizontal for several hours, I wake up with intense pain on the right side of my head). But I am perform my role at work very effectively – with a high degree of accuracy.

My head injuries are part of who I am. I conquered life threatening injuries. I gradually recovered from my injuries and returned to London and immersed myself in unpaid work for charity again and paid work to earn my bread and butter. I get out of bed each morning despite the pain in my head. I put up with the same answer every time I have a CT scan, “We cannot explain why there is still significant swelling,” and every time I hear those words I smile and shrug and go home until my next appointment.

I think I should be allowed to slip my head injuries into a conversation in the same way as someone else may refer to a challenge that has made a mark on their life. As far as I am concerned it is the challenges we battle, the effort each day takes, that should be in our favour, they should not “go against us“.

The thought of the NHS penalising me after the effort it has taken to recover and after all the overtime I have done for them for months – well, that would be rich wouldn’t it! I am proud of who I am and what I have overcome. The battle is ongoing, but I am winning most days. June is always hard. It has been very hard this year. My chest feels sore and exhausted – that’s where I feel the effect of the trauma this month provoked.

I am not a robot. I am certainly not going to smile and pretend that everything is great in this world. Because that is a lie. I live in a world with a legal/judicial system which allows people to feed their minds on all varieties of degraded entertainment, allows the makers of such entertainment to make gross amounts of money, but only punishes someone who commits a heinous crime and is caught. There is no way I am going to be punished for living a peaceful life and falling prey to somebody degraded.

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