He Is Leaving Me

Am I allowed to admit that I had a little cry to myself just now? I feel a bit selfish for doing so. Jack is going. I am finding it hard to accept. He will say goodnight to me tomorrow evening.  😦

He did point out that even if he stayed here, we shouldn’t be seeing each other really. Plus, I am working everyday – even Sunday I will be working.

It does make sense that he goes away. Even though he has to self-isolate/quarantine when he arrives, he will be able to work for a few weeks after that. Noone is sure what will happen. Maybe he will be stuck there for longer, not allowed to return to England. Maybe he will be told to get out of the country he will be in and come back to England. We will have to wait and see.

Maybe I am just tired because work is so incredibly intense at the moment. But it is hard to let him go. I am also finding it really hard to be so far away from Goldfinch. I miss him so much! I almost feel panicky about the overwhelming distance between us.

I Don’t Know Where These Strong Opinions Are Coming From

I have seen a few things that have slightly irritated me. Don’t worry, I am not a person who gets highly strung. But I am scratching my head at some of the things I am seeing. I am starting to sense strong opinions brewing within me.

I saw a clip of someone very very wealthy sitting in his palatial home, relaxing in his sauna, swimming in his pool, working out in his gym watching a movie on his huge TV screen and telling the rest of the world they need to socially isolate, stop going out socially, cancel parties, holidays, nights out – it all needs to be cancelled until it is safe to resume.

Now the thing is…he is right. Please do exactly that! However, I could not help raise my eyebrows. I wish he had not shown us his palace. How many of us have a home gym, a swimming pool, cinema room and sauna  in our homes? What a twit!!! He should realize that many of us live in tiny homes and self-isolating is going to be challenging (but absolutely necessary!)

I have never been a big fan of celebrities, well no, that’s not fair. I’m not talking about people who are in the public eye, it’s people with too much money that I am talking about. I have never been a big fan of people who are allowed to earn an inordinate amount of money and then display their money in the form of swanky houses, designer clothes and handbags, private jets etc.

I am watching them now. Watching them closely. Are they going to sit on their fortunes admonishing everyone else to self-isolate and practice social distancing and not lift a finger to help everyone who is losing jobs and scared about losing their homes?

Who on earth needs more than £1 million? So when I hear that there are people out there, whether they are celebrities or not, with tens of millions or even hundreds of millions of pounds or dollars, I hope they think about giving away the vast majority of their ridiculous fortunes. If not…well, I am never going to buy their albums or watch their films, or cheer them on when they play their teams. Now I know that last sentence does cover celebrities, but I also hope that those of the ridiculously rich who are not in the public eye also pay heed.

I have been volunteering for charities since I was sixteen and I have always been annoyed with celebrities who make token gestures. I love and respect Jack because he has given up almost all of the money he has earned and given up the chance to earn any more money so that he could be an international volunteer. He shares a flat with a bunch of other volunteers while he is in England, the rest of the time he works for charities abroad and he has to accept whatever basic accommodation is available. But those celebrities who live in palaces and get involved with charity to make themselves look good – grrrr! I have close to zero appreciation for them I am afraid.

If you are reading this and you happen to possess a ridiculous amount of money – would you please think about giving almost all of it away in order to help the human family? Afterall, you are one of us. We are all family. In times of crises family should share. Family should love. Thanks for the clips of you sitting in luxury telling us to practice social distancing and telling us not to raid the supermarkets…but it would be great to know you cared enough to be prepared to give up your fortunes to help others.

Believe me…the love you show will be remembered more than anything you ever did to earn that money. I have a feeling that soon a lot of your “fans” are not going to be able to afford your tickets, merchandise, autobiographies. Nobody is going to care what you are wearing or how you style your hair. We will be interested in what you do to help your fellow human family in a time of crisis. So you may have to be prepared for financial losses ahead. I do hope you have learnt by now that love is far more precious than money.

The Rubble Of Your Love

I don’t really like to end a relationship. For so many reasons.

I have had three “romantic” attachments in my life. One was Jammy. We courted for years. I was in my mid-twenties when I made the decision to end the courtship. It was the right decision although it made me weak. It took so long to get over it. But Jammy and I remained friends. Thank goodness.

I haven’t really written a lot about Jammy, because I am jealous over him. I don’t want anyone to misjudge what happened between the two of us back then. But I will say this, that courtship was good for me and I am sure it protected me during the bloom of my youth from making some huge mistakes.

Then I met Jack. The only romance between us was the tension, the suspense, the drama. But we weren’t able to act on our feelings at the time.

Then over two years after I was attacked, I met Goldfinch. (I did try dating another man before then, but it didn’t work out.) Goldfinch was so gorgeous. In every way! I still cannot let go completely. I love him very much. I hate that he is gone.

Miraculously Jack somersaulted back into my life. We have talked a lot. A lot. About so many subjects.

Jack thinks I am a stronger person now. I don’t what it is that made him say that. I am a few years older. Perhaps I have more of a “don’t mess with me!” streak in me now. But Caramel is just as sweet and mild as she always has been. At work I have become rather dynamic of late (I seem to thrive in the midst of a crisis). I suppose in some ways, I did have to rebuild myself from the rubble that he left me in. You know when I was CRUSHED. But I am not crushed anymore. I have built myself up and perhaps I am more than he ever imagined.

I don’t understand why Jack is still going abroad. He has to quarantine for two weeks when he arrives. But he said it is still worth it. He might end up working out there for longer. He might have no choice but to come back earlier. He is not anxious but will of course be practicing strict hand hygiene and self-isolation on his arrival.