I Have A Lot Of Love In Me

I wrote about the card I wanted to send to Goldfinch. The post was scheduled for this morning, but I actually typed it last week. I spoke to Jack about it and he was very helpful.

misBecause of commitments we both have, we have not been able to see as much of each other as normal. I confessed to Jack, that I miss him when I’m not with him. But those feelings of missing him, also trigger my feelings of missing Goldfinch. After I came back from Australia last summer, I would have been very depressed, if it wasn’t for the incredible comeback of Jack into my life. But my mourning the distance between Goldfinch and I, it’s still there. It’s powerful.

I was still very much in love with Goldfinch when Jack made contact. I communicated with Goldfinch about Jack. I told him Jack had called, and called a second time, and asked to meet me, and reached out to hold my hand, I told him about what happened after that. Goldfinch knew my history with Jack.

besofeI have told Jack all about Goldfinch, how much he means to me. Sometimes emotions can be confusing. I feel a lot of love. I have been loved. I think where I am confused at times is that here was no break-up with Goldfinch. I seamlessly ended up with Jack. I felt a lot of love for Goldfinch, and there has been no reason to dispel that love.

Goldfinch said that naturally it would become a lesser love than my feelings for Jack. He is right I guess. I know how much I love Jack. I have no doubt that Jack and I are fabulous together. I am very happy. Jack and I are really good for each other. In so many ways (ways I will write more about in other posts) he and I are a fantastic match.

Relaxation, Mountains, Top View, NaturePerhaps the love I feel for Goldfinch is very gradually fading. But it’s not something I enjoy. He means so much to me. I think the world of him. I want him to be safe and warm and loved. I’d be devastated to think of him as unhappy. He says he is happy. I have to trust him.

In the end, that is what I wrote in my froggy card. That I am thrilled he has been able to travel. How much I miss him. How I worried when he was off the grid because I was anxious to know he was safe. I admitted his happiness is still of vital import to me. I told him I still find everywhere I go, I wish he were with me and could see where I go, and meet the people I meet, and taste the food I eat, and dance to the music and laugh at the jokes. I told him, that he is in my heart everywhere I go.

It will get better. I am sure it will get better. I just need to allow more time to allow the 10,100 miles sink in. When I am with Jack, I don’t miss Jack (obviously) and I don’t miss Goldfinch. When I am not able to see Jack, I miss him, and I also miss Goldfinch.

I let Jack read my before I sent it. I make sure Jack knows about any messages I send. I am trying to contact him less. But you don’t stop communicating with someone you care deeply about. I just don’t want to let my friendship with Goldfinch jeopardize my relationship with Jack. I think Jack understands. But I don’t want to take it for granted that he is alright with my regularly talking to Goldfinch.

Perhaps, I just don’t like being without someone to love.

 

Wish I Was There

I have the cutest card. It has a Costa Rican frog on the front of it. I decided I am going to use it to write a letter to Goldfinch.

Tree Frog, Frog, Red Eyed, Amphibian

But my head is full of all sorts of things that he won’t want to read about:

  • medical issues from work
  • boring training I have been undertaking
  • the royal family drama, I’m not interested in that, he won’t be. I know his solution for the royal family!
  • the new cereal iI found for breakfast
  • the lovely dress I wore at the weekend
  • the dinner and dance charity awards night I attended with Jack

That leaves me with Russia. he is interested in Russia. he has been there, I think he has lived there. There is someone very special to him out there. But he won’t really want me writing about Russia.

Beach, Sunset, Coast, Costa Rica

There is so much in my heart for him…but I suddenly find that I am not sure what he will want to read, what he will want to know. That scares me. It is hard enough coping with the 10,100 mile distance. I can’t bear the thought of any other kind of distance between us. I love him!!!

I guess what I want to write is that…

…I wish I was with him. I wish I could watch sunsets with him, walk hand-in-hand across beaches with him, curl up in a hammock with him. But I can’t write those words.

I am going to talk to Jack about it. Jack is so kind when I talk to him about Goldfinch. He will know what I should write.