WHEN IT COMES TO THE CRUNCH – WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
You are out with some good friends having drinks. One of your best friends makes a joke that seems racist. Your friend doesn’t normally seem to show any attitudes that indicate racism. Do you let it pass? Or do you speak out against the offensive joke?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
What is THE CARAMEL CRUNCH? Well, it’s all about decisions. When it comes to THE CRUNCH what would you do?
One of the definitions of the word CRUNCH is:
a crucial point or situation
– generally involving a decision with weighty consequences
- Your response can be a quickie. Please feel free to send a comment to say what you would do, and if you have time or are inclined, please feel free to explain your decision.
- If you would like to create a post with a longer explanation of your decision, please pingback to THE CARAMEL CRUNCH post. (Or copy and paste a link to your post in the comments section – please feel free.)
If you know anything about CRUSHED CARAMEL, you will probably realize I am a gentle soul, so my questions are not supposed to be terrifying! What I am hoping for really is to see a variety of responses. Afterall, it’s pretty obvious that WordPress bloggers are from a huge variety of backgrounds and cultures. It would be fascinating to learn more about how we as individuals make decisions.
Some of the questions I am going to ask are questions I have discussed with friends when we have been having coffee or dinner. I often find there is no clear right or wrong. It can be so much a matter of our individual experiences and outlook. I find it fascinating how very different some of us are when it comes to decision making.
We all have different outlooks, and may make different decisions. I am really looking forward to learning WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Caramel 
I think I would tell my friend privately that this seems racist and it’s not the right thing to do. Sometimes people don’t think or choose their words carefully and can make such comments. But taking them to task in front of everybody can make them defensive and resentful.
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I agree you with Sadje. I think if one of my friends or colleagues said something offensive to others, I would try to speak to them in private about it.
I asked this question because of a dinner party I was out a while ago. The host (who I I would never think of as a racist) made a joke which did not go down well. We all felt uncomfortable, but one of the guests was very angry and after making it clear how she felt about racism, she left.
Even later, she was angry that other guests had decided to stay and finish dinner. I think she thought we should have all left with her.
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These sort of situations can be tricky to handle. A cool mind is needed at such occasions.
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Since you mentioned that the person was one of my best friends I would definitely challenge them. As they don’t normally say things that seem racist I might do it in a jokey way or preface my challenge by acknowledging that I’m aware that they don’t normally say things like that. If it was an acquaintance that did something like this I guess it would depend on the person and the kind of relationship we had but I’d be more likely to let it go.
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You are right, if you know the person well, it is so much easier to know how to broach the issue of them offending others, perhaps without them realizing how serious it was.
When it is someone you don’t know well, you don’t know how they will react to being corrected/criticised.
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I would talk to them about it
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Hey Beth,
I think so too. It might seem like a once off, but if they told the joke again or said something similarly offensive…well, I think I wouldn’t consider myself a real friend to let them continue doing that without warning them of how hurtful their humour could be.
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I would challenge it. There’s nothing to explain!
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One of the reasons I asked this question was because I was at a dinner party where it became a huge issue. The host has fostered children for many years. Her own family is multi-ethnic, but she dropped a joke which expressed some cruelty about the physical features of one particular ethnic group. Everyone was uncomfortable. I presumed she had drunk too much wine and had lost her clear judgement. But one of the guests was furious. In front of everyone she stood up and called the host racist (and some other words) and walked out. She was angry for a long time afterwards. She was angry with the rest of us who stayed. In the end I had to explain to the host (over the course of the next few days) how angry our friend was and convinced her that she really needed to make a sincere apology.
It was one of the most awkward social occasions I have been at.
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Wow. Now, I doubt I would react that way, but who knows. Perhaps that person had reached their limit of cruel jokes. I remember calling out an ex for making an antisemitic “joke” and he became so angry. He constantly trolled me and I would let it pass, but finally I thought enough and said hey that’s not very nice or something mild. It was just the two of us, but he reacted terribly. I didn’t know what to make of it. Since then, I have decided it’s best not to let jokes pass because then people assume you’re okay with little ones and level up.
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Definitely challenge them.
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❤ Of course ❤
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That’s a tough one. I think it depends on the circumstances, what was said or done, and how valuable that person is to you, and whether or not you think this is a “one-off” or something they truly believe and will say and/or do again. Whether you say something or not, either way, be prepared for the possibility of losing that friendship. You have to decide if you can live with what they say or do or not. No one can make that decision for you. Good luck.
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It’s very true, there are a lot of other factors that might effect your reaction.
For a long time I tolerated other people’s sense of humour and never ever took offense myself. I just chose not to laugh or perhaps removed myself from the conversation. But I have seen people become very upset and challenge someone who had told an offensive joke. For many now racism in any form is unacceptable, and I have seen more and more react with outrage at anything they perceive as discriminatory.
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We live in scary times indeed. It seems like no one knows how to act towards anyone else anymore,
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