After reading through Annabelle’s journal, Chris has told Robin that he ought to read what Annabelle has written about her fears.

These are the previous parts in Annabelle’s story:

annabelle unsureAnnabelle was surprised at Robin’s question. Her confused gaze rested on her husband’s grave face, “Robin I have no secrets from you. There is nothing in that journal that I am trying to hide from you. But you would hate reading it.”

“Belle, I respect that you have every right to privacy. Other than the parts you showed me, I have never read through your journal. But if there is anything in there that might help,” Robin scratched the back of his head, “Anything that might help when it comes to the difference in our feelings about becoming parents.”

Annabelle sat up straight and took Robin’s hands into hers, “You really would hate reading that journal. If you wanted to read it you could. Of course you could. It’s full of nonsense though. I write stuff in there that needs to escape from my head, but it’s all a mess. My therapist has to help me try to make some kind of sense of it. I think it would be better if I explained to you some of what I have written rather than you reading it on your own.”

Robin stood up and took a few paces forward. He seemed very uncertain of his own mind, “I just wish I could understand Belle. I love you so much, but I don’t understand why you are so against having another baby.”

Annabelle rose to her feet and stepped forward towards her husband. She put her arms around his waist, “I can’t bear hurting you Robin. I can’t bear it.”

Robin bowed his head resting his forehead against Annabelle’s, “Is there anything that might help me to understand?”

Annabelle pursed her lips, “I’ll go and get my journal and we can look at it together.”

In response Robin reached for her hand, “I’ll come with you. Let’s get cosy.”

Within a few minutes, the two of them were in bed. Robin drew the covers up and put his arms around Annabelle. She clutched her journal. She started to flick through the pages, “It’s so silly Robin. I have imagined what might happen if we have a child. I have imagined all sorts of things going wrong. Ridiculous things. But whatever I have imagined, I always have this fear that it will crush you, or make you angry with me. All I see is things going wrong and you wanting to escape again.”

Robin nuzzled the back of Annabelle’s shoulder, “What is it that you are afraid of?”

“Everything apparently. I have imagined all sorts of possibilities. What if I can’t feel anything for another child? What if that child hated me? But in the end they all result in you feeling you have had enough of me and leaving.”

not impressed1“You seem so pessimistic about it. There are always going to be challenges, but it could be great.”

“I am scared that you will tire of me. You have been patient and kind. I am always anxious that there is a limit as to how much you can take of this mess inside my head. I’m not well. I know I’m not because even though I have not physically hurt myself for a long time, I hurt myself inside so often. The way I think, it actually hurts me.”

Robin wrapped his arms tightly around his wife, “You will get better. You have been getting better. You’re braver. I am proud of how far you’ve come. I’m not going to get tired of you. You mean everything to me.”

Annabelle lay motionless in Robin’s arms, “I still have no desire to have a child. I cannot see that changing. But I know how much it would mean to you. I don’t want to hurt you. In my head, I have accepted that we will have another baby. We will Robin. I am still struggling with it though. The fears I have are running wild. I need time to work on them. I have been talking with my therapist for a very long time about it. But I am not ready yet. But please don’t lose hope. We will do this. I wish I could say when.”

San Bernardino County, Death ValleyRobin’s heart was full of emotion, “Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I am not doing that would help?”

“There is so much that is beyond control Robin. You cannot control what goes on in my head, that’s my battle ground. There truly are all sorts of possibilities, we both know what life can throw up. It’s like we are driving along the road of life and at any moment we might be a victim of someone else’s mistake or we might make a mistake and cause an accident. I have found myself overwhelmed so many times at the responsibility of being alive and accepting that despite our best intentions life has hazards that seem beyond control at times.”

Robin’s voice was gentle, “I don’t think you’ve been enjoying life enough. Life should be enjoyed Belle. There is so much pleasure out there waiting for you. There is so much that makes life rewarding and special. Overcoming challenges makes you stronger. Raising a child will bring challenges but it will bring you so much joy.”

lucy2“Don’t push it Robin. Like I said, I know we are going to have a child. But it’s for you. I am not looking forward to it. I’m going to do it for you and with you. That’s the only way I can. You can’t dare leave me, not with a child I don’t want to have. You have to stay, no matter how tough things get, no matter how hopeless I am as a mother, you can’t leave me.”

“Why would I leave you?” he asked.

“With a hint of exasperation in her tone, Annabelle replied, “Why would you leave me? Why did you leave me last time? Because you were exhausted by me.”

“I cannot undo the past Belle. You know how much I have regretted my decisions back then. But I am a much stronger person.”

woeey“I know, I know you are. But Robin, do you see how much I have come to depend on you? The stronger you become, the more wonderful you become, the more I realize I cannot face ever losing you. I am so scared of losing you. Last time, by a miracle, I ended up in good hands, with Ralph and Barbara, Burt and Pearl. Good people helped me. What a friend Chris has turned out to be, what an amazing friend. But things change. I lost the Crabbes. Burt and Pearl are getting older. Chris…who knows what is ahead for him? But he will be with us less and less. I understand that. But it scares me. The team of people that kept me together after you left me, they are all disappearing.”

“You need to have more faith in me.”

annabelle at chris home“I need more faith Robin, In you, in myself, in life. I am trying. I pray to God to give me more faith. But you think that God’s a fairytale. That makes me feel stupid.”

“Whatever makes you stronger is something I respect. I don’t want you to feel disappointment.”

“So what would we teach a child? If I believe in a Creator and you don’t, are we going to argue about what to tell our child?”

Robin looked at Annabelle, “Say that again Belle.”

“What are we going to teach our child?”

Robin planted kisses down the side of Annabelle’s face, “Our child, I love hearing you say that.”

“I’m serious though Robin. It’s such a huge responsibility. What will we teach our child to believe?”

“Our child,” Robin said warmly, “will have to decide for themselves eventually, what they choose to believe. But our child learn that you can love and respect others even when they don’t see everything the same way as you do.”

babbyAnnabelle seemed satisfied, “It scares me. A lot. But you have given me everything. It would be for you. It will be for you. I want you to be happy. But I know I am going to struggle, please don’t hate me for that. It’s going to be harder for you than other fathers. Because of me. Please don’t despise me when I get things wrong. I still don’t really understand family. But I don’t our child to have the same experience I had. I don’t want our child to feel so lonely they want to harm themselves.”

Detecting the anxiety in his wife’s eyes, Robin tried to reassure her, “All parents make mistakes. We are both going to get things wrong. But if we stay close, keep communicating, always love, I think on the whole things will work out Belle. There will be a lot of happiness ahead.”

zoneAnnabelle nodded, “My therapist said it’s not wise to get too cosy in my own comfort zone. I keep on thinking about that. But having a child will be completely beyond my comfort zone. It’s so permanent. It’s going to push me and I honestly have no idea what kind of rollercoaster that is going to take me on. Don’t you fear what might go on inside this tangled mess inside my head.”

Robin stroked Annabelle’s hair, “Life is not boring with you Belle. You are anything but predictable. Remember you and I are sailing together. Sometimes the voyage is more stormy than I expected. I relish the calm when it comes, but the thrills make life an adventure.”

“Please don’t get tired of me. It’s so intense inside of me. I try not to let you see how intense. That’s what this silly journal is for. But I still fear that my craziness will exhaust you.”

fighters“You are not crazy. You are learning about yourself, learning about life and love, and I love seeing you grow. I love you. I’m not going to get tired of you.”

Annabelle sighed, “I need more faith.”

“Yes, you need to believe that you have a lot of happiness ahead Belle. Believe that I am going nowhere.”

“But anything could happen,” she murmured.

“Anything could happen. Including a lot of joy. There will be challenges, nobody can know in what shape they will come. But you must enjoy every day. Let yourself be happy.”


Another part coming soon…

Kim, the creator of Writer Side of Life has given us some great writing prompts. Several of them appealed to me, but I have only chosen one to work on for now, because I am still playing catch up with blogging, after my trip to Australia:

Free Creative Writing Prompts

I chose a prompt under the ROMANCE section: 3. Who is she waiting for?

kim's prompt
Photo by Thiago Matos from Pexels 


2 thoughts on “Cosy

  1. Pingback: Personal – Caramel (Learner at love)

  2. Pingback: Horizon – Caramel (Learner at love)

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