I know where I was in January 2019. I was mourning the loss of my beloved Goldfinch. He had left England, to return to Australia. I was very sad indeed. I honestly thought I would never see him again.
I remember vividly how sulky I was. I was tired, which I put down to feeling blue after having to say goodbye to someone I was so much in love with. He wanted me to think positively about meeting someone else and falling in love. I found that hard to fathom. I don’t know if you remember, but I even went on a date last January with a friend of a friend – and it was awful.
On top of that, I was feeling so sick! It began around four weeks after Goldfinch had left. I thought I had picked up some sort of bug while I was away over the holiday season. But it went on and on.
Eventually, I went to see my GP. My Doctor asked me a question which shocked me, although it must have seemed obvious as I described my symptoms. I had to nip into the local pharmacy to buy a ClearBlue for the first time in my life. That felt strange. Using it was even stranger. The shock I felt on seeing the result was stranger still.
What a mix of feelings I had! I remember feeling isolated initially. I wanted to tell him straight away. But I was strangely scared about how he would feel. I didn’t know who to tell at first. In the end three very special females in my life were the ones I entrusted with my news. I was told by two of them that it was important to wait until the first thirteen weeks had passed. I didn’t quite understand why that seemed important at the time.
Last January the sulky start of the month evaporated as I attempted to come to terms with the shock I had. I started to feel a rainbow of other emotions: excitement, wonder, fear, anxiety, joy, purpose, confusion and more.
At eleven weeks, I lost my tiny apricot sized baby. That whirlwind of emotions ended in great sadness and disappointment.
If there was one thing I wish I could change about last January…I guess it would be that I wish I had just picked up the phone and told him as soon as I knew. I am not sure why I waited. I felt so alone during that time, despite the three lovely women who helped me the most. I was isolated with one of the biggest events of my life.
Looking back, I am amazed at how well I held myself together. None of my workmates knew anything. I managed to keep it quiet and continue as if everything was normal. When actually the most momentous event of my life was occuring. I just had to carry on as normal, even though I wanted to cry. I wrote terrible poetry to try to express some of my feelings – do you remember all those awful poems I published last spring? At the end of this post, I have included the menu from my widget board with all those posts I wrote last spring.
I regret that I didn’t tell him as soon as I knew. I listened to the well meaning advice of those closest to me. I am sure they meant well. I can’t fault their advice. But I wish I had ignored that good advice and told him. It was one of the most special periods of my life. But for most of that time, I carried my secret within. I wish I had been carrying that secret with him. He had hardly had time to contemplate the news before I had to tell him I had lost our apricot. How confused he must have been. And what could he do from the opposite side of the planet? I felt really bad for him.
My close family know what happened. They helped me to bury my beautiful little apricot in a little pocket of paradise I had chance to visit again when I was up in Snowdonia last week.
That ONE THING I wanted to change last January. Initially, I just wished he had not gone back to Australia. Looking back, I wish I had told him about my ClearBlue result straight away. I wish I hadn’t gone on a date with that friend of a friend – what an ordeal that was. I just wish I was wrapped up in his arms throughout January and for a long long time after that. I was not ready to say goodbye.
I am so glad that I was able to visit him in the summer. It meant so much to be in his arms again after what happened.
CARAMEL AFTER LOSS
This is my response to the writing prompt from Sarah Elizabeth Moore