I know where I was in January 2019. I was mourning the loss of my beloved Goldfinch. He had left England, to return to Australia. I was very sad indeed. I honestly thought I would never see him again.
I remember vividly how sulky I was. I was tired, which I put down to feeling blue after having to say goodbye to someone I was so much in love with. He wanted me to think positively about meeting someone else and falling in love. I found that hard to fathom. I don’t know if you remember, but I even went on a date last January with a friend of a friend – and it was awful.
On top of that, I was feeling so sick! It began around four weeks after Goldfinch had left. I thought I had picked up some sort of bug while I was away over the holiday season. But it went on and on.
Eventually, I went to see my GP. My Doctor asked me a question which shocked me, although it must have seemed obvious as I described my symptoms. I had to nip into the local pharmacy to buy a ClearBlue for the first time in my life. That felt strange. Using it was even stranger. The shock I felt on seeing the result was stranger still.
What a mix of feelings I had! I remember feeling isolated initially. I wanted to tell him straight away. But I was strangely scared about how he would feel. I didn’t know who to tell at first. In the end three very special females in my life were the ones I entrusted with my news. I was told by two of them that it was important to wait until the first thirteen weeks had passed. I didn’t quite understand why that seemed important at the time.
Last January the sulky start of the month evaporated as I attempted to come to terms with the shock I had. I started to feel a rainbow of other emotions: excitement, wonder, fear, anxiety, joy, purpose, confusion and more.
At eleven weeks, I lost my tiny apricot sized baby. That whirlwind of emotions ended in great sadness and disappointment.
If there was one thing I wish I could change about last January…I guess it would be that I wish I had just picked up the phone and told him as soon as I knew. I am not sure why I waited. I felt so alone during that time, despite the three lovely women who helped me the most. I was isolated with one of the biggest events of my life.
Looking back, I am amazed at how well I held myself together. None of my workmates knew anything. I managed to keep it quiet and continue as if everything was normal. When actually the most momentous event of my life was occuring. I just had to carry on as normal, even though I wanted to cry. I wrote terrible poetry to try to express some of my feelings – do you remember all those awful poems I published last spring? At the end of this post, I have included the menu from my widget board with all those posts I wrote last spring.
I regret that I didn’t tell him as soon as I knew. I listened to the well meaning advice of those closest to me. I am sure they meant well. I can’t fault their advice. But I wish I had ignored that good advice and told him. It was one of the most special periods of my life. But for most of that time, I carried my secret within. I wish I had been carrying that secret with him. He had hardly had time to contemplate the news before I had to tell him I had lost our apricot. How confused he must have been. And what could he do from the opposite side of the planet? I felt really bad for him.
My close family know what happened. They helped me to bury my beautiful little apricot in a little pocket of paradise I had chance to visit again when I was up in Snowdonia last week.
That ONE THING I wanted to change last January. Initially, I just wished he had not gone back to Australia. Looking back, I wish I had told him about my ClearBlue result straight away. I wish I hadn’t gone on a date with that friend of a friend – what an ordeal that was. I just wish I was wrapped up in his arms throughout January and for a long long time after that. I was not ready to say goodbye.
I am so glad that I was able to visit him in the summer. It meant so much to be in his arms again after what happened.
CARAMEL AFTER LOSS
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This is my response to the writing prompt from Sarah Elizabeth Moore
