My Heart Feels Like It’s Bleeding

Goldfinch is busy. I know he is busy. He has told me just how busy he is. Maybe it’s because I don’t have Jack here either…but I am missing Goldfinch so much! Last night was my third night in a row in tears. I don’t know when, or even if, I will see him again. It’s too much to bear. It breaks my heart.

bedSo many beautiful things he used to do. I loved feeling his arms wrapped around me. I loved it from the first night. I loved that he would fall asleep like that. I was a tiny bit claustrophobic perhaps when he first did so. I think it was just a sense of panic, needing to escape, which for someone in their first proper relationship since they were raped and beaten, was a little intimidating at first.

I used to gradually wriggle out of his arms, trying not to disturb his sleep. But he would wake up and realizing I was on the edge of the bed, he would grab me again and pull me into his warm embrace and hold me. You know what?…

…I grew to love sleeping in his arms.

He Wants Me To Be Brave

hiding away.pngI have mentioned at times that I am anxious about what people might say (especially online) once Jack and me go public. After all the discussions we have had, it seems obvious that Jack genuinely did not understand the scale of what I was facing before, during and after we were living in the same flat.

Jack and I have been having a great time together. We have had a lot of fun and just spent lots of time talking and touching and teasing. I think we are happier and stronger week by week. But again and again we have come back to this subject of what people say on social media. What people say about what is frankly none of their business.

Jack is going to be very cautious and careful with anyone who tries to get him to make a comment about our relationship. But we will be together sometimes in public. Both informally, we are going to go out places and not try to hide away so much. And we will be together formally – at public events. So people will know. It’s likely there will be photographs. Jack cannot control what random scary people decide to say. It is something unpredictable. But he wants me to avoid any of that and to be immune to it. Jack wants me to be brave.

bravery

As for what our friends and colleagues might say – well, that is a different ballgame. Jack can express his indignation if anyone is unkind. In the past, he dealt with comments from our friends with a lot of humour. But I think that fed their boldness. They kept on and on saying worse and worse. So, I don’t think humour is going to be the response to begin with. I am asking Jack to be a bit stern with people if they are critical or their humour is on the cruel side.

I love Jack.