Knowing Your Place

annabelleOne year ago, Goldfinch left England to return to Australia. Frankly, I was lost after he left. Weeks after he left, I found out the reason I was feeling sick everyday since the holidays with my family. That was an amazing discovery. Yet, I lost my little one. A deeply sad time for me. How very glad I am that I was able to travel to Australia in the summer to spend time with Goldfinch. What a special time that was. Pure happiness. What a year this has been. I wrote this piece a while ago, and decided to shuffle the scheduling so that it was published a year after Goldfinch left. It is the first part of a short series on the same theme.

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When you love somebody, when they are at the very center of all your thoughts, when you detect that your thoughts have shifted their orbit. Now you are orbiting around them. You think of them, dream of them, plan for them, save up your spare cash so you can use it on them, pick out recipes so that you can bake something delicious for them, spend longer on your make-up and hair – all for them.

robits4.jpg

But it can be hard, even heart-breaking, to realize and to accept, that you are not at the center of their thoughts, you are not at the center of their life. You are there, but closer to the outer rim of their solar system. Right out there on the outer edge. Knowing your place, accepting it. Sigh.

snugIt may become apparent that they are not really planning for you, saving up their cash to spend on you, making time for you, they are not dreaming of a future with you. Sob sob.

I think sometimes the less romantic of people end up in a relationship because they have become accustomed to someone who is making all of the effort.

However, if you really are way out there on the outer rim, at an enormous distance (sometimes 10,100 miles might as well be 3,667,000,000 miles) it can seem improbable or impossible, that the person you love could become so accustomed to having you in their life that they realize you are now essential to their happiness.

Life! Still…I have been deeply happy to orbit around someone who has been everything I needed and much more.

7 thoughts on “Knowing Your Place

  1. One of life’s most harsh realities I think, is investing in someone who isn’t investing in you. You keep on going for a time, hoping, then the realisation hits that it is what it is and it isn’t going to change. Then you go through the grieving process and finally move on. I’m glad you moved on. You have a heart of gold and deserve the same in return.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, you are very kind.
      I think I just realized over time, that although I loved him deeply. Although he was very loving towards me. I was not his perfect woman. If there is a perfect woman for him at all. I think he likes his freedom too much. I don’t think there is anything he would want to change about me. But I am not enough to make him change his decisions. It didn’t seem that way.
      Yet he is someone I will always love.

      Like

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