I was telling Jack the other day how often I think of Goldfinch. I needed to tell him, I don’t want to hide it. I would feel too guilty, and I can’t cope with guilt.
The thing is…I doubt Goldfinch thinks of me anywhere near as often as I think of him. I am sure he is busy, and it is my hope that he is also doing all the things that make him happy. He told me that the situation would resolve naturally, that I would feel more love for Jack and less love for him. I am sure gradually his thoughts of me will fade away.
I am definitely feeling more and more love for Jack all of the time. But I don’t yet feel any less love for Goldfinch. Just pain when I don’t hear as much from him as I would like. So silly I am! We are complicated creatures – us humans. But if Goldfinch is deliberately trying to make this easier for me, I guess he is doing the right thing.
Still…I find myself remembering him, thinking of him. I just don’t make plans or decisions based on him any more. All my planning and decision making is wrapped up in Jack. I know me. Goldfinch will be in my heart for a long time to come.