Caught In A Web

Stuck. Every time I try to wriggle out, I become more entangled. Escape seems impossible. Waiting for the Webmaster to come and devour me. Will somebody rescue me please? For I do not see how I am going to get myself out of this sticky tangle.

Cobwebs, Water Drops, Refraction, Green, Bokeh, Texture

I find policies and rules interesting. I don’t mean the big ones that everyone agrees on. I mean the mediocre policies and rules that seem strange when you are new to them…but then you discover the reason and find them easier to respect and cooperate with them.

checkinsFor example, I had to work at a location where your belongings are searched. Now, I have been at some high security premises where that made sense. But for a smaller shop which is open to members of the public wandering in and out all day long – I thought it was strange that staff are asked to submit to such vigorous security checks.

But then I was told of the history with staff stealing stock, and it made more sense. It’s sad, but there is a reason. The behaviour of others has made it necessary to search all staff.

Work Desk, Smart Phone, Laptop, PhoneWell…someone has called me out for being a bit extreme in some of the policies I have set for my life. It is my choice to abstain from having a smartphone. I have my reasons. But the biggest reason is my negative experience from the past, when I saw a very unkind side to social media. I am perfectly happy without a smartphone. But this friend is pressuring me and ceaselessly trying to persuade me to get one. She has stated she is going to buy one for Christmas. I have said I do not want one I will not use one. She keeps saying I shouldn’t make myself suffer because of one bad experience. She says I am missing out. I am so tired of the conversations we have about this issue.

no.pngThen something else came up. She asked me if I wanted to do something. I replied, “no, because….” That was my mistake. I should have just said “no”. As soon as I gave my reason, my friend started to argue and told me I was extreme.

The thing is…the decisions I have made based on past experiences – they have worked wonderfully well. Maybe there is a little “once bitten, twice shy”. But in rejecting things because I have had a very bad experience with them, I don’t feel I am missing out. There is so much other wonderful out there. I have no shortage of things to do.

I am not sure why my friend keeps telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing. None of my other friends or family do that. I am a grown woman. So far, I have a pretty good run. I am proud of my decisions, and the reasons behind them.

too much1I am finding my friend is taking issue with me over so many decisions, trying to make me do things her way. I feel as if I am become entangled with sticky discussions. She keeps analysing what I say and labelling my reactions as extreme. It is tiring. I just want to be allowed to make my decisions and be happy with them.

I have a habit of agreeing with what she is saying (I am not argumentative), with the result that my friend thinks I am agreeing to change my decision. I was nodding to all the wonderful things my friend said about smartphones. But that does not mean I will change my mind. Same with the other issue. It’s something I feel is the right decision to me. I am airing on the side of caution. But I prefer it that way.

no moreAnyway…I am only writing this because my friend kind of “cornered” me last week when I was really sick and wanted me to agree to something I did not want to do. (It’s a particular type of entertainment that I do not find remotely entertaining.) And I was so tired, I started crying.

But she rang me yesterday..she still has not dropped the issue. She said she has bought me a ticket because she donesn’t want me to miss out. I said I do not want to go and I hope someone else will buy the ticket from them because I have not changed my mind. My friend called me ungrateful. Shrug! I am finding myself becoming increasingly overwhelmed by this. I think at some stage, when I have more energy, I am going to have to kindly tell my friend that I need to be allowed to make my own decisions and that they are respected. This pressure is becoming unbearable.

web.pngMy friend…she is a lovely person. But she is strong willed, and she likes to tell people what to do. I am mild tempered, and in general very easy going. She has lots of particulars. She will decide where we eat, what temperature it is, what music we listen to. I concur, because I don’t mind. But when I have made a decision for a reason, I usually stick to it. I am not easily swayed. That’s where my friend is getting annoyed with me. Oh well!


The Flame Still Burns

I was telling Jack the other day how often I think of Goldfinch. I needed to tell him, I don’t want to hide it. I would feel too guilty, and I can’t cope with guilt.

bye loveThe thing is…I doubt Goldfinch thinks of me anywhere near as often as I think of him. I am sure he is busy, and it is my hope that he is also doing all the things that make him happy. He told me that the situation would resolve naturally, that I would feel more love for Jack and less love for him. I am sure gradually his thoughts of me will fade away.

I am definitely feeling more and more love for Jack all of the time. But I don’t yet feel any less love for Goldfinch. Just pain when I don’t hear as much from him as I would like. So silly I am! We are complicated creatures – us humans. But if Goldfinch is deliberately trying to make this easier for me, I guess he is doing the right thing.

Still…I find myself remembering him, thinking of him. I just don’t make plans or decisions based on him any more. All my planning and decision making is wrapped up in Jack. I know me. Goldfinch will be in my heart for a long time to come.

you in me