I Tried

set free.jpg

I was so happy when I was out in Australia in the summer with wonderful Goldfinch. When I first met him…I knew, I just knew he wanted to be free. Nothing has changed. I would have loved to be his permanently. But he never expressed that he wanted that. I think he wanted to keep his freedom and not become “yoked” to someone.

I had to love him. Not what I wanted him to be. I did. And I do. I love him very much. I hope I have made sure he feels free. I tried to be what he seemed to want me to be. I hope he understands that if he ever needed me, I would try even harder. Sometimes freedom becomes less important. Love and loyalty become more important.

But you can’t force anyone to be what you want them to be. It’s up to an individual to choose whether they want to try to be what they may not naturally be inclined to be. It’s up to an individual to decide to love or not to love. My decision was and still is to love. I wanted to be the loving, loyal, life-long lover and partner. I wasn’t interested in “freedom” in the shape of a no commitment relationship.

My feelings are what they are. Jack knows how I feel about Goldfinch. He also knows that if Goldfinch had wanted it, I would have devoted myself to him. Jack seems relieved that Goldfinch did not want that.

5 thoughts on “I Tried

  1. I’m glad you’re happy with Jack! but your words have triggered a need to respond in me! If you love a man just as he is (not what you want him to be) surely you can expect him to love you just as you are? And not ‘trying to be what he wants me to be’. You sound like a lovely person just as you are, with no need to adapt yourself to a man’s whim- which is not sustainable anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment.
      I should probably rephrase that sentence. Goldfinch was always telling me to be myself. He always wanted me to express me, my thoughts, my personality and not try to fit with what I thought he wanted me to be.
      The one area where I think that I struggled with what I hoped for with regards our relationship. I wanted no less than forever. I wanted to give my all to him. I never felt right about a no commitment relationship. I understood it was as something necessary at first because I knew he would not be staying in England. But I think as time as passed, and especially when I was out there in Australia, I began to feel that even if I was living round the corner from him, he would probably still want his freedom.
      I hope that doesn’t sound terrible. I loved every moment with him. But when two people have different expectations from a relationship … well, there is a famous verse “expectation postponed, is making the heart sick”. It was hard to see how a 10,100 mile separation was going to work on the terms I hope for a relationship.
      He is my bestie though. I love talking with him.

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  2. Thank you for expressing your feelings. I often think that, as women, we over-adapt to men in relationships. I read something recently that suggested we say no to small things (say cinema or meal out choices) to discover how they react before sinking too much into the relationship. I thought this was such a good idea! Wishing you happiness x

    Like

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