I mentioned a while ago that I had written a letter to Goldfinch. I really poured out my heart in that letter, about a few things. But one passing remark I made was about my tendency to fear I am about to become a burden to someone, that I am about to become someone they want to reject, abandon and cut ties with. I do not know why this has become such a feature of my personality and my relationships.
I have such a wonderful family and world of friends. So why is it – that when it comes to romantic love – I have so many unreasonable fears? I am secure as a person, but romantic love makes me pathetically insecure…ever conscious of all of my imperfections and inadequacies. Why is it that I seem to run away from what could potentially be a source of great joy (and challenges)?
I love romantic love, because I love loving. What I find hard is the being loved. I constantly question the sanity and motives of the person who is romancing me. At the moment that is Jack. It’s working at the moment, because Jack is slightly “off his rocker”. However, I mentioned to Goldfinch in my letter that I do worry, I do fear, that I will make the same mistakes as I have before. Pull away, fearing rejection. Sabotage our relationship in crazy ways because of the threat of abandonment. Run away, before he flees himself?
It’s not that I want anything to threaten our relationship…oh no…not at all. But I find it almost impossible to let someone love me the way I love them. The only way I can cope with it, is the thought that he is kindly letting me love him, for now. When he is tired, he will move on to some other jungfrau and I will have to eat chocolate and take up water-colour painting to recover from the heartbreak. And it will be alright, I will get over it. Because that’s what lovely people do, they don’t torture someone who wants to leave them, playing blame games and trying to stab at them with accusations. A lovely person lets the person they love be free if that’s what they want. I don’t actually believe that in my head. But that is what I do, I tell myself that they are about to go, they want to pull out, so I pull away, to make it easier for them.
The dynamics in my relationship with Jack are different than my relationship with Goldfinch. I think Goldfinch would be willing to agree, I was the one who loved more in my relationship with my gorgeous Australian.
But Jack is doing something that frightens me, he is making me feel deeply loved. Which is wonderful isn’t it! But I start to become anxious, in silly ways! I am so scared that it is going to make me do something crazy. I told Goldfinch I am afraid of making the same mistakes, of running away for some crazy reason from the man I am in love with. I am scared that I will start to feel like a burden, and because of my fear of him begrudging me, I will give him reasons to bail out.
I do wish I could just let him love me.