I had so much love from Jack while we were away. I needed that. I had missed him so much. In the end it was only five days I went without seeing him, but that was too long.
I went for over four years with no him…and now I can’t cope with five days! I am just so incredibly aware of what he is doing to me. Every scar from the past is healing over. It’s as if carefully, delicately he is trying to understand all the damage that was caused when we lived together and finding ways to soothe those painful memories.
Jack told me that in the past, he didn’t take any responsibility for how I felt. Initially he thought I liked him, in fact he thought that for a long time. But he said when I was hanging around with male friends, he thought I was being manipulative (as if I have that in me!) and was trying to make him jealous. He didn’t know me well enough back then. He’s leaving nothing to chance now. Everyday he sends some kind of romantic message. When I am with him, he tells me how he feels about me. It’s amazing to hear him say those words.
He’s changing my view of him and everything that happened. I could never make sense of it on my own. It all overwhelmed me. I felt helpless, powerless to fight the sheer volume of nastiness and slander that was directed my way. I felt so rejected. I especially felt as if Jack had abandoned me. I was lost. Completely lost…that led to feelings of despair.
No more. Jack is undoing the past. In his eyes I feel safe. In his arms I feel alive. Tears and fears forgotten. He is freeing me. I didn’t know how much I needed him to recover. It turns out that he is the someone who fits in with everything I have been working for since I was sixteen. My once in a lifetime life partner. It almost went so terribly wrong…and now it’s going right.
I have just seen the invitation from Beckie, the creator of Beckie’s Mental Mess, to participate in the “WORKING ON US” theme for this week, which happens to be “Rejection And Overcoming Rejection”. As soon as I saw it a little cascade of emotions poured into my heart. I am thinking, I may try to write a post in response to this theme. There we go…I have pledged a post now. That means I am much more likely to tackle it!