I do love the walks in the dark that these autumn evenings are making possible for me and “Jack”. We have talked and talked. But it’s all good. Just when I find it’s becoming a bit intense (we have had a lot to discuss), he seems to be able to read my face perfectly. So he changes the mood with something to make me laugh.
Little by little, all sorts of questions are being answered. Although at times I have been scared of how much I have trusted him – I’ve felt vulnerable at times, when I realize how quickly we have ended up so so close. Yet I think he is giving me every reason to trust him. It is unimaginable after the intimacy we have shared this past month, he would walk away now.
Time together is so important! Talking things over is too. If we are going to stay together. If we are going to be together and forge a lasting unit, it’s so important. Our lives as volunteers mean travelling extensively. We will be working with all sorts of other people, a lot of people. Living conditions can be tough. It is physically and emotionally demanding. We will be tired. I know what it is like to live with him when he is tired and a little irritable. I don’t really become irritable myself. However, I can become very quiet (and a little unnecessarily fearful) if I don’t know how to deal with the tension around me.
So it is good that we are sorting so much out now. I like walking in the dark with him for so many reasons. It’s good for my heart. And it’s romantic. Cold evenings, wrapped up in jumpers and scarves. Walking along whilst holding hands, swinging our arms. When people are headed towards us…he will just pull his scarf up a bit more. For my sake mainly. He doesn’t care who recognises him. He is hiding for the sake of my privacy. But it’s not fair to expect him to do that long-term.
There is a little lane that runs down the spine of the hill. During the day, you see an occasional car racing up or down, some idiot who has realized it is a short-cut. The residents hate that. But at night it is very quiet. I think I have had a hundred kisses from him on that little lane…my spine tingles thinking about it.
It’s darker earlier and earlier. It’s also getting colder and colder. I’m becoming braver and braver about walking with him along the quiet lanes and pathways that wriggle out all over this part of London. I am nervous about the busier streets, bustling with restaurants and bars. But what I have realized is that there will come a point when I won’t be as anxious. Because all that will matter is being with him. I can feel myself becoming entangled with him. Do you know what I mean?