Poor Jack! He had a fright this week. I had a little breathing episode. It’s this annoying head of mine. Sometimes my brain seems slow to catch up with my body demanding more oxygen. We had been walking up hill. It was dark. I think Jack thought I had tripped over at first.
Anyway…we had the lovely privilege of spending part of the evening in a London hospital, rather than snuggling up on the sofa, as we would have otherwise.
It changed the tone of our time together. I think Jack was a bit freaked by it all. But I kept telling him he was allowed to touch me, I wasn’t going to break in pieces. So he returned to his lovely huggable ways.
In some ways, it was important that he understands for himself the effects of that night I went to the park. I don’t want him to be plagued with why I went there. What I mean is, he needs to understand why I was not able to return to London straight away. He needs to understand why I have been limited with regards the kind of projects I work on. In a way, it might make him aware of why I can’t play basketball and run for miles like I used to do.
Sigh. I have mixed feelings about it all – as you may imagine. It’s so important for him to know. I have mentioned it to him. But after what happened, I think it’s hit home to him. It’s sad, so sad, that that stupid mistake of mine, to feel I could not go home yet, because I could not face him, and to go to a park instead. If I had guessed how he really felt about me, I would never have gone to that park on my own. That stupid mistake still has consequences that may affect our future happiness. Sad face! 😦
But Jack was wonderful. Happy face! 🙂
Anyway…it is important to me that Jack knows that nothing matters anymore. I don’t care about what happened in the past and the sad consequences. He has fixed everything just by picking up the phone to try to make things right between us. No matter what happens, I can take it. He has made me stronger. He has fixed me. Nothing else matters anymore.
Caramel 
I’m so glad things are moving forward for you both here. It seemed like a rocky journey.
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I feel as if a huge weight has lifted from my heart. The sense of peace and relief has been enormous. And it’s wonderful to put my arms around him and feel the nightmare is over.
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You never know, maybe whatever happened caused one of you to say or do something different somewhere along the line? Something which brought you closer, which made all this happen? You never know.
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Can’t change the past. And I do try to remember to stay positive.
But being in the wrong place at the wrong time is not something I can point to as something I am glad of occuring.
The last four years have been undesirable, but I have made the best of them. I am very glad to be friends with Jack again (well more than friends, but it is the peace that matters most).
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Beautiful post, Mel 🙂
I just wanted to say one thing about this – “that stupid mistake of mine” – while I can see what you mean, and I would probably have a similar perspective if it had been me, since hindsight loves to go over events and sees things through a rather analytical and at times quite critical of self manner – what happened to you on that night was not your fault.
People take late night walks alone in parks often when they need some place and space to think. That’s not a mistake. People sometimes need a break away from their loved ones when drama is high. That’s not a mistake.
What happened to you is the fault of the person who attacked you.
I hope it’s okay for me to say that. If not you can delete the comment 🙂
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Of course it is ok Ursula.
I have to admit I consider it a mistake…but not the kind of mistake that I punish myself with guilt for. It was a mistake to feel unwelcome at home. It was a mistake of mine to interpret Jack’s strange behaviour as hostility and hatred.
I have often walked on my own to have some peace and quiet to think clearly. But I know that London parks have a nightlife all of their own. It was not wise of me to be there. But what the man did to me that night…oh that was all his mistake, his crime. I don’t blame myself for his actions.
But I do regret that I had become so isolated with that situation, feeling distrustful of even my closest friends and not wanting to burden my family…that I wasn’t thinking clearly. I remember being so overwhelmed that night that I don’t think I had my safety sensors switched on. That man sat next to me on the bench and spoke to me a little before I finally realized how late and how dark it was. I was kind of vulnerable at that point, I wish I had found another way of dealing with those despairing feelings.
But I have been trying to make it clear to Jack that I don’t blame him. I don’t. But what happened to me that night intensified my upset due to the strained situation with him. After I was attacked, I was still more upset about Jack than I was about what that man had done to me. But Jack really had no idea how I was feeling. He thought I felt let down and disappointed in him. He was frustrated with himself. He had no idea that I thought he hated me. He did not understand how bad the gossip and rumours were becoming and how people were treating me.
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I genuinely can feel the change. That’s a great song.
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🙂 It is a goodan!
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