Torn

My head is all over the place right now. I am holding back from writing too much about the situation I am in. But it is beyond belief. I am going to have to wait until it is the right time. I’m scared at the moment, in case it all goes wrong. But until then I could go stir crazy with the strong feelings whirling around my head.

guiltyYears ago I read “The Buccaneers” by Edith Wharton. I had a complete dilemma of conscience when reading Nan’s story. The main character Annabelle was trapped in a loveless marriage. Then wonderful Guy – that was his actual name – came along. I had to stop reading it because I wouldn’t allow myself to sympathise with her.

Haven’t I tried to live a simple life? I have not toyed with anyone else. I have been open and loyal. Something crazy has happened. Something so incredible. For so many reasons I should be thrilled, absolutely jumping for joy. But for reasons you would understand if I could tell you, there is a shadow on my heart. The shadow of guilt. I should feel guilty.

I am not married. Technically, I am single. But my heart has been devoted to a gorgeous Australian, who lives 10,100 miles away, and who has been telling me he wanted me to meet someone new and fall on love. I just never listened to him. I didn’t want to meet someone else and fall in love. This situation that I am in has caught me by surprise, well, more than that – this has completely shocked the living daylights out of me! So although he might say everything is fine, my heart is not believing that.

car kiss.jpgI have not been trapped in a loveless relationship, quite the opposite. I love Goldfinch so very much! Something very very unexpected has knocked me off my feet. My heart is doing somersaults. My long distance lover has been hoping that I would meet someone here in England. I am sure he didn’t expect the man who has been silent for over four years, and now has crashed back into my life, to be that someone.

I still feel as if my heart is has been torn in two. And at the moment one half is celebrating an incredible miracle and trying to provoke wild exuberant joy…and the other half is condemning me.

25 thoughts on “Torn

  1. I’d say rejoice. Goldfinch APPROVES sweetie. Why not enjoy your happiness? I don’t know your story with this man who has been silent for four years, but while my own experiences and mindset whisper “She should be CAREFUL. Silent men aren’t reliable.” and a lot of other things that may not be the situation with you; I don’t know YOUR circumstance. So I’ll say ‘Hey! If you’ve found love and you feel it’s true, why not embrace it??” Because you don’t want to become ME and looking back know you settled. I did. It wasn’t ultimately fair to either me or my husband. My heart belonged, at that time, to someone else. He didn’t want me. I had to choose. But you apparently are free and you love. Enjoy it.

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    1. It’s such an extraordinary turn of events. But I did not want to give up hope. I am trying to keep my thinking cool – not doing such a great job at that admittedly!
      Thank you so much Melanie 🙂

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  2. Take it as slow as you dare – it’s far more important that you come to the right answer rather than a quick answer. With this Aussie guy, there are various practical things you could look into which have nothing to do with the relationship itself – immigration, for instance. You should find out about these if you can – any one of them might be a showstopper, let alone the guy himself. Good luck.

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    1. Yes….the only time-factor I do feel hanging over me, is that once our friends and his fans find out…it is going to be much harder. I need to feel ready for the wave of pressure that will come. So I need to have made up my mind and heart before then.

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      1. Well, bear in mind that it’s him you’d be taking on, not them. And, if they do cause unnecessary pressure, maybe that’s a warning sign for times ahead? It sounds like you’re talking about something that is a rest-of-life thing, so there shouldn’t really be any pressure because the stakes are so high. The absolute worst thing that can happen is that you pick one of them quickly, and end up wishing you’d chosen the other. Or neither. Which might happen anyway, but you should do all you can to prevent it.
        I really would be finding out all about immigration/emigration this morning. You’ve seen how our Home Office treats Windrush people, so it’ll be important to get some idea about what might happen.

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    1. What I am finding hard is being so in love with two men! Two wonderful men, very different from each other.

      One with whom I have so much history, who has inspired me, and hurt me, and now is being so humble and earnest.

      The other so gorgeous and kind and lovely, who has helped me to heal in so many ways…but is 10,100 miles away and does not seen eager to change the dynamics between us.

      Still I love…I love Goldfinch enormously. The situation with my ex-flatmate is so new, I am still finding it hard to understand my feelings, but it is something like a mix of excitement, relief, disbelief, fear, exhilaration, wonder, amazement and that sense of at long last someone I never wanted to give up on returning…with flowers!

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  3. I agree, take it slow. Make sure your heart is free of entanglements so you can happily enjoy the new. Just take care, make sure it’s real for both of you and that there is depth, real depth. Your a pretty smart woman, your also caring and loving and your heart leads you I think, so slow it down, pace yourself a little, make sure your heart and mind are in tune, then you will have no regrets. xoxo

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    1. What is interesting is how much we recall from the past. Both he and I remember things we said and did.
      I am trying to stay cool…despite the squadron of Red Admiral butterflies doing aerial acrobatics in my tummy!

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    1. It’s such a long long story. I did try to write about some of it…but it was exhausting and it got me down trawling over the past.
      He has always been an inspiration to me. What happened between us was devastating. So…I am praying that this time nothing is going to ruin it. We will see.

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  4. I agree that you should take your time and make the right decision for you. I know and understand that you don’t want to write too much about your situation publicly but if you’re anything like me it might help you you write about all your thoughts privately? It might help you to process everything and work out what your head and your heart really want and need? Please do take care of your heart in all of this though. Make sure the man you choose to love will truly love and care for you and value you in return. ❤️

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    1. I do find it helpful. There is a possibility I would implode if I didn’t have some outlet for what is going on in my heart!

      The fact is they are both men I think of the world of – for different reasons. I can see the reality of the situation with Goldfinch in stark daylight…he is just so wonderful though. It’s hard to imagine a change when he has been so gorgeous and kind.

      The situation with my ex-flatmate…time will tell what is going on.

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  5. Mel, I’m happy that you have choices in your world, even though they are tough ones. With Jack, people *can* change, and maybe Jack has. The only way to know for sure if he has is to give it time. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing thing with him either. Proceed at a pace that feels “right”, whatever that is. When I hear Goldfinch saying go find someone else, that is a clear message to me. That ambivalence in him does not bode well for lasting love, especially from 10,000 miles away. I don’t know Goldfinch, maybe he’s just a realist?

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