My head is all over the place right now. I am holding back from writing too much about the situation I am in. But it is beyond belief. I am going to have to wait until it is the right time. I’m scared at the moment, in case it all goes wrong. But until then I could go stir crazy with the strong feelings whirling around my head.
Years ago I read “The Buccaneers” by Edith Wharton. I had a complete dilemma of conscience when reading Nan’s story. The main character Annabelle was trapped in a loveless marriage. Then wonderful Guy – that was his actual name – came along. I had to stop reading it because I wouldn’t allow myself to sympathise with her.
Haven’t I tried to live a simple life? I have not toyed with anyone else. I have been open and loyal. Something crazy has happened. Something so incredible. For so many reasons I should be thrilled, absolutely jumping for joy. But for reasons you would understand if I could tell you, there is a shadow on my heart. The shadow of guilt. I should feel guilty.
I am not married. Technically, I am single. But my heart has been devoted to a gorgeous Australian, who lives 10,100 miles away, and who has been telling me he wanted me to meet someone new and fall on love. I just never listened to him. I didn’t want to meet someone else and fall in love. This situation that I am in has caught me by surprise, well, more than that – this has completely shocked the living daylights out of me! So although he might say everything is fine, my heart is not believing that.
I have not been trapped in a loveless relationship, quite the opposite. I love Goldfinch so very much! Something very very unexpected has knocked me off my feet. My heart is doing somersaults. My long distance lover has been hoping that I would meet someone here in England. I am sure he didn’t expect the man who has been silent for over four years, and now has crashed back into my life, to be that someone.
I still feel as if my heart is has been torn in two. And at the moment one half is celebrating an incredible miracle and trying to provoke wild exuberant joy…and the other half is condemning me.