Leaky Eye Syndrome

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I could have been home from work almost an hour ago. Except something dreadful happened.

I started to cry. It was terrible. I was thinking about losing Goldfinch. Intense pain was flooding the inside of my ribcage. The tears began and nothing could stem them. My colleagues were obviously concerned. I just sat in a heap on the floor sobbing and wailing! Well, not so much wailing, more whimpering really.

This makes me realize I have a problem. My eyes were profoundly leaky. What if they start leaking like that in front of Goldfinch? I don’t want to ruin things for him.

I am back at the little nest now and I am have just had a quick shower. Now I am going to try to sleep before I wake up tomorrow and start helping with the set up of a party. I am not in the party mood at all I must admit!

And then comes the guilt from wondering if the pain and the tears are really due to losing Goldfinch, or am I still grieving over that happened with Jack? It’s only Jack that has been able to effect me like that before now. I only associate pain like this with him.

I am dreading being without Goldfinch. The happiness he has elicited within me has made all my worries and troubles quieten down. But without the sunshine from Goldfinch, what am I left with? A great deal of intense pain my friend.

Maybe it was worse because I was so tired. After all, Friday is my fifteen hour work day. If I wasn’t so tired, surely I would have been able to control myself.

I should get to bed!

33 thoughts on “Leaky Eye Syndrome”

  3. Pingback: 20 Questions “with friends” – My NamastĆØ 365 Online

  5. Somedays pain overwhelms you, somedays you can override it. Being tired makes it so much more difficult to bear. I try to tell myself that if the tears donā€™t flow then pressure builds up inside which makes things worse in the long run. Thinking of you.Take care.

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    1. Thank you so much for such a lovely comment.
      I kind of felt better after the cry, I have to admit. I do think crying is kind of a miracle. There are times when it seems the only option and it does help. I was very tired last night…and it took me over.
      Sleep was so wonderful though last night.

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    1. Thank you šŸ™‚
      I keep forgetting to send a message to say how great your poem was!
      You exalted me to a Caramel goddess!! Goldfinch will laugh at that!
      He agrees with my friends that I am cross between Maria Von Trapp and Bridget Jones!

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    1. It has been a busy week. I have booked some time off work next week because for the rest of the month I have to do lots of over-time to cover holidays for other members of the team.
      I hope to have time to rest and process all this emotion.
      I slept so very well last night.
      Thank you so much for your message.

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  10. Pingback: Introducing Caramel – Crushed Caramel (Learner at love)

    1. ā¤ Thanks Laura ā¤

      This is another one of my reblogs. This was originally published in December, just before Goldfinch moved back to Australia. At the time I never imagined I would be able to go out to see him.

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    1. I am ok šŸ™‚

      I miss him. It is hard that he is so far away. But I absolutely loved my trip out to Australia to see him in summer. I hope to go next summer (I’ll have to save hard though!)

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  15. You certainly don’t need more advice nor comments. Thirty is quite a lot (to me). I’ve obviously missed a memo or two. Goldfinch is gone or leaving? Does this mean a break up or just that he went back to Aussie land? If it’s the first, do yourself a favor. Take some time and talk to a professional. You could have been overly tired, BUT you might be suffering from depression (well DOH!) and the breaking out crying bit is a symptom that it’s worse than you might think. Just unloading on a stranger who listens and doesn’t offer suggestions might be helpful. The same thing happened to me in 1986. The man I thought was ‘the one’ (another like Jack I think) had moved out of state and didn’t even think to invite me or ask if I wanted to go with him. It crushed my heart. It was the first time I sought therapy too. It took a long time to get over it, but I got there eventually. And I wasn’t bursting into tears at work over imagined slights either. I could sleep fully. I’m so so sorry for your pain. Wish there was more I could do.

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    1. This is just another reblog Melanie. They will finish next week.

      Because I was away so much over the summer and wouldnt have time to write and also because some new readers were asking who Goldfinch was, I decided to re-publish the story of Goldfinch and me (one post a day published at 5.58am GMT.

      I do remember the night that I started sobbing in front of my colleagues. I was so very upset because time was flying by and I wasn’t ready for him to go.

      A lot has happened since then. I was brave. I said my goodbyes. Then I found out I was expecting. Then I lost her šŸ˜¦ Then I was able to go all the way to Australia and spend some time with Goldfinch. A lot has happened int he last nine months. But we keep in touch and my relationship with him is such a bonus and blessing to me. I love him very much. The 10,100 miles between us is rather inconvenient though!

      The Jack situation is not so straightforward. I get on with life without him, but of course my current life is not the life I chose. I try not to think about him. But he crops up on TV and I see his name frequently when I use the internet. It’s hard to escape someone as famous as he is. But I wish him only well. I think the world of him and would just love to have peace with him.

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