I am trying to write a letter to Goldfinch…and for some strange reason I am lost for words. It’s not like me. I have written many words of love to him in the past twenty months.
In fact I have probably written too many words, in too many letters and e-mails. But there have been times when i have been absolutely bursting with love for him…and I wrote it down. I poured my heart out onto a page and put it in an envelope with a first class stamp on it to send it off to Coventry…or just pressed send. While Goldfinch has been in Australia, I have emailed and texted and we have spoken on the phone.
But now I want to write a beautiful letter in my own hand-writing. And yet…I have writer’s block!!! It’s awful. It’s not that the feelings that are lacking – oh no not at all. I am holding back, I think, because I don’t want to be too intense. I don’t want to send him something that is nonsensical. I want to come across perfectly balanced, composed, rational. But writing a rational love letter is not the easiest thing to do – let me tell you.
It’s weird. All the time he was in England, I was only ever able to spend a day or two with him. So my long messages in between seemed perfectly appropriate. But after being with Goldfinch for a longer time period, I am frightened that he won’t want me to be gushing with romantic silliness.
Problem is…I am more in love than ever. More eager to keep his attention. More desperate for his affection. More frustrated at being so far away. More impatient to be back with him soon. More terrified than I have ever been that if I get something wrong, if I choose the wrong words, if I miss something out…I might lose him.
Love, my friends, can be tortuous!