30 | Jul | 2019

Goldfinch and I met last October.

Two complete strangers. He said hello to me. We chatted. There were things we had in common. It was easy to talk with him. I felt instantly comfortable with him, yet aggravated inside because I knew very quickly something was going to happen between us and at the time, I didn’t think I was ready for that.

After all, lingering pain over Jack had already caused me to sabotage my friendship with Stuart who after a year was fed up of me still being troubled by my ex-flatmate. Then there was Jonathan…whatever initial attraction Jonathan felt, it wore off as soon as I started talking about Jack. And there was Paul, he decided after six months I was never going to get over Jack, so what was the point?

Goldfinch has been rather wonderful as you know. He has been very kind and gentle and empathetic. Yet, I think he too has realized this sadness over Jack is not diminishing.

What a tempestuous life I seem to lead!

I love Goldfinch. I am becoming distraught because he seems to be ignoring me. Maybe I just need to let him have time to cool down. I don’t know. I have never had any difficulties with Goldfinch so I don’t understand this.

I was standing.

He was there.

Two worlds collided.

I allowed my feelings for Jack to tear us apart.

…I am writing my own words, my own song and not making a very good job out of it. All my fault.

But at least Goldfinch can fly away. He can be free. He can head back to Australia believing I am indifferent. He will be free. I will be crushed because I have hirt someone whom I love so much.