I am not heartless. Of course I feel for you. Over and over. But what can I do except offer my heart-felt words? I am powerless. I truly am. There are many things I would love to do to make things better. I can’t do those things. All I can offer is sweet words and soft touches.
I know it sounds selfish to say “I have my own problems”, but I am a frequent visitor of two large London hospitals with acclaimed neurology units. My situation is precarious. If my situation was not precarious, I probably would not even be here, I probably would not have ever met you. I would be where I belong, leading a fast-paced life and never letting my feet touch the ground.
There are so many things I would be doing if my situation was not so precarious. I would not even be around to see you and hear about your trials. You would never hear from me. I would be far away and wrapped up in a host of other concerns.
I feel so powerless. I don’t know what else to offer except my heart-felt words. I can offer my words, I can be sure there will always be words straight from my heart for you. But I am concerned that you long for more.
I sometimes think you want a hug…but I don’t think that it is wise. If I let you cry on my shoulder and I put my arms around you and held you tight…maybe you would feel momentary relief. But wouldn’t that open the door to more pain and more confusion.
And I know it would not end with a hug. Where would it end? I think you know. And I think you know it would not be wise.
Our lives cannot enmesh. There are so many reasons why. And I can’t be your secret source of sweet comfort. I can’t do that. I don’t want to be hiding away in the night, just to be your consolation and to let you feel the closeness that you long for.
It’s too confusing. It’s too impractical. And I think once you had had your fill of laying in my arms and feeling safe and warm, you would start to resent me, because you would feel as guilty as I.
Let me be sweet and innocent in your eyes. Be satisfied with my words alone. Do not crave my feminine curves and warm embrace. Do not yearn for my fond caresses and honeyed kisses. Do not let your steps wander down this unrewarding path. It would not solve anything, It would be a moment of delight and a lifetime of regret. I would only be a burden. I don’t want to be that. I only ever wanted to be a bonus and a blessing.
Just because I have eyes that make you melt, perfumed skin, and a warm embrace that you long to have wrapped around you – it does not mean I have what you need. I don’t have what you need my friend. I wish I did, but I do not. I would only be a temporary pleasure for you and then you would hate me because you had been so weak.
Please try to dismiss me from your mind. You don’t want to turn to me for comfort and consolation because the consequences will be bitter. I am sure they will be. Please don’t argue. They will be bitter and we will both be tormented that this happened.