My Ex

ex.jpgI started to write this post over a month ago…and then I lost interest in it. But after a twelve hour work day (I am jiggered!), I found another funny (not ha-ha funny) e-mail in my inbox from my ex.

He is a nice man…but he and I are no match. Sometimes I second guess myself over communications between he and I. I don’t want to encourage him or give him any hope of a rekindling of our relationship. We have been friends for many years before we ever started going out together…so he is not someone I would ever want to be unkind to. He is a nice man. Apologies if my post is a bit waffley…this is why I have not published it yet…I go round in circles telling myself the same thing!

ex1.jpgMy ex sent me the strangest e-mail. When I say my “ex” , I know I have not written a lot about him. But I believe I have mentioned him on occasion. He is a really nice man, with a bit too much money. He liked me a lot. I knew that. He wanted to spoil me. He spent too much money on meals out, trips to the theatre and little gifts I did not want. I believe he hoped I would eventually become what he wanted me to be (um…nervous cough), however, I have a distaste for wasting money and I was not ever going to become what he wanted me to be!

We amicably agreed that he was only going to become more frustrated with me, but if I felt pushed to do things I did not feel comfortable with, it would have a very detrimental effect on our friendship (we had been friends for many years). I am not argumentative, but I was biting my tongue all the time, because I disagreed with him so often. So we decided to put the brakes on seeing each other.

hand in handThat was about two or three months before I met Goldfinch. In between times I developed a close friendship with another male friend, but he turned out to be the complete opposite of me! After he did something really stoooooooooooooooopid, I realized that I was unlikely to want to have anything to do with him. The next night I met Goldfinch…and the rest is history.

Well…my ex (and I am talking about the nice guy with too much money) has always kept in touch. Not everyday. Normally I have a message on my answer phone or an e-mail from him once every couple of weeks, and I have learnt that it is wise to wait a few days to reply to him. I do this because he clearly sends me a message when he is thinking of me and would like to see me. So I let him forget me and become busy with other things by the time I send him a brief reply.

Our paths still cross fairly regularly. We have lots of mutual friends. Recently, we were both at a wedding over in Windsor. We danced together for a bit and then sat down and had a chat. I had a couple calls from him the next day (I was busy, but I saw the missed calls on my mobile) and then when I reached home there was a message on my answer phone asking when I was free for dinner.

When I met Goldfinch, it took him (my ex) a long time to accept that I was exclusive to Goldfinch and that I was absolutely not going to entertain any improper over personal messages from him. But I did not mind his other messages which were more along the lines of him wanting me to be safe and happy. But I have told him a few times that I was just deleting anything remotely suggestive or flirtatious.

But then when he knew Goldfinch was going back to Australia, he was very quick to start suggesting that he and I try to make a go of it again.

in australiaI think he is a bit shocked that I am going all the way to Australia to see Goldfinch. He seems to be bewildered. And he must have asked me around ten times last month when we can get together before my trip. I am genuinely busy. And my ex is nowhere near the top of my priorities list. I think…I should check, but I think he is nervous that I am not going to come back. I say that because in one of his e-mails, he actually said that moving to Australia is a huge decision. Several of my friends tease me saying they don’t think I am coming back from Australia. Of course I am coming back. The Australian government will make sure I do after three months anyway. And Goldfinch won’t want me to stay longer than we have planned.

splitting up.jpgOh it is odd…to be worried…or not really worried, just aware that I have an ex, who will always be my ex, and but is also someone who has been part of my life (and a nice part too) for so many years. Without going into too much detail, or being unkind about him, I will just say that we are mismatched. But he had been very kind to me for a long time and it felt right to start going out with him. I enjoyed his company.

curl up on sofaWhat went wrong? Amongst other things, we have very different outlooks on things like money. He has a business mind. He is successful as a business man. To me he was a very kind and caring friend, and I did feel something love for him. I liked it when he started playing with my hand and stroking my face and hair and arms, and playing footsie under the table with me in restaurants. It did seem exciting. I felt safe with him. I could tell we were going to end up together and I thought it would be fine, because he was someone I felt so fond of, so comfortable with. I was ready for a relationship where we were more like best friends, one with a lot of hugs, curling up on the sofa and long walks together hand in hand.

blue laceI found it challenging to have a romantic relationship with someone I had always looked up to as a caring, kind man, who now showed he perceived me in an erotic light. How do I put this kindly? He was like some kind of jedi master in the bedroom. I was a padawan. I was not happy. I am not embarrassed to admit that I was a baby. I struggled, I have to admit. But I tried. He likes a woman who is very feminine and he was always buying me things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable – stockings and other items of underwear that you would never have found in good old Ethel Austins. Bear in mind I started going out with him about eighteen months after I was attacked. But it was more the near-arguments we kept having that made me feel I could not do carry on. I started to feel we were like chalk and cheese. And I was finding I was having too many flashbacks to the night I was attacked, I kept reliving that trauma and I was highly strung.

kind man.jpgSo when we split up we seemed to both be in agreement that things were not working out. I was not meeting his expectations and I felt as if my fondness for him was fading. I didn’t see the caring kind friend anymore. We both wanted to pull the plug on the romance. He quickly returned to the same kind nice man I had always regarded him as.

I think it hurt him when I became so enraptured with Goldfinch. I never had any difficulties with Goldfinch when it came to the romantic side of our relationship. I am just aware that my ex seemed provoked by me being so wrapped up with Goldfinch.

my exMaybe him thinking I am going to live in Australia is making it clear that when we split up, that was for good. No picking up later and making a fresh start. We said our goodbyes, very pleasantly…and I hoped we both meant it. He is a nice man. I don’t want to be unkind. I don’t mind him expressing the same interest any of my friends would. I guess it is sweet in some ways that he is still trying. I think I should send a kind message, but one that makes it very clear all my thoughts are centred around Goldfinch. But…I will wait a few days and think about what to say carefully.

 

 

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12 thoughts on “My Ex

    1. I’m sure you will get your head round this when the time is right. Moody Blues always makes me smile. Was seeing a girl in Newcastle and we had tickets to see the Moody Blues in the City Hall. Unfortunately the same night Tin Machine arranged to play the Mayfair. Managed to get 2 tickets so I never found out if the Blues were a good live band as seeing Bowie in a small venue was always going to win out.

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  1. There are two songs that came to my mind when I read this:

    and

    My perspective on what you’ve written is that he (the nice friend) is really truly in love with you. And we all know love is blind. Even hitting a person over the head (figuratively) doesn’t shake that ‘love’ for some. It’s probably sort of flattering in a way, isn’t it? Even though you won’t consider him ‘that way.’

    I had a dear, dear male friend whom I’d known for most of my life (literally) who was twelve years my senior. When I was a young woman (and he was in his early 30s), we started going out now and then, and he got serious about things very quickly. He wanted to take things to the furthest level in intimacy and that’s where it all fell apart. I loved him very much, but AS A BROTHER. His intimate touch was not welcome, in fact it made my skin crawl. I discouraged him, and like your example, he was a nice man and was nice about my rejection. I married my hubby, and my friend moved in with some woman he met, and we all jogged along for the next twenty plus years. At the end my friend went a bit senile, and started telling his woman how much he loved ME and had always loved me. She wasn’t pleased, and I was really embarrassed by that.

    I think some persons (male and female) carry romantic torches for people they don’t fit with. Some folks carry those torches their entire lives. All the people they love, but who do not love them back, can do is be as kind as possible, but firm. You’ve done that. No regrets, right?

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    1. Wow – thank you Melanie for thinking about my situation. You are right.

      You know when it does not feel right…and when it is someone you do care about, breaking it to them that there is no fizz, you just regard them in a friendly/sisterly light can be hard.

      I don’t regret splitting up with him. It was not right. Where I feel sorry for him is that a short time later I fell head over heels with Goldfinch. I don’t think he has ever taken that well. I do understand that.

      Aaaaah – sigh! Always learning when it comes to men!

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