They Say That Time Heals A Broken Heart

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I still wake up some mornings wondering where on earth I am. In my heart I am back at my real home, waking up to my wonderful way of life. In my heart, I know what my assignment is. I have a place to go, work to do, people to see, purpose and meaning.

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When I wake up here, I wonder what I am doing here? Existing.

Breathe in, breathe out. Get yourself up out bed, go and put the kettle on. Take your painkillers. Put two Weetabix in a bowl and pour some hot water over them. Is there any honey in the cupboard? No, that means it’s plain Weetabix today. Where is the cafetiere? Not in the cupboard, try the dishwasher. There it is. You forgot to put the dishwasher on last night. Well, there is always the Nespresso machine. You hardly ever use it, now is the chance. And remember to put a tablet into the dishwasher and turn it on.

What day is it today? Where am I going? What am I doing? Who will I see? I just don’t remember. Thank goodness I have got myself into the habit of keeping a diary. My head hurts. Alright, sit down, take it easy, just wait for your painkillers to kick in. I feel  lost. Turn the television on. BBC Breakfast, the presenters are helpful in re-orientating you. I like the presenters.

After I was attacked, family, friends and hospital staff thought it would be good for me to be away from London, away from my home, away from my career, away from my world for a while. They said to take all the time I needed. They said that time is a great healer.

I don’t like to be argumentative…but my head has not healed yet. My heart has not healed yet. I am not home yet. I am not back where I belong yet. Jack and I are still estranged – our rift has not healed yet. I am not sure what it is that time is supposed to have healed or be about to heal.

People say such lovely things, and I hope it makes them feel better. Because I am not so sure that what they say is actually true. Still, people are very kind. They do try to make it all better. Time is not so kind. It taunts me. Almost four years – and I am still not back yet. I am just existing in a place that is not my home, not my world, and is meaningless to me.

 

Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge #13

FFFC

26 thoughts on “They Say That Time Heals A Broken Heart”

  3. From the very beginning sentence, straight through until the end… I could feel every feeling and emotion you have to the core.
    I often reflect on what my life used to be, and I end up thinking all the same things you do. If only we could turn back the hands of time to a place when pain and sorrow were bot ab element in our lives now… I’d give anything for that.
    You have no idea how much I understand you. 💕

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  6. No-one has been through all that you have been through, nor feels about all things the way you do – you are unique, Mel.

    That does not fit well with our human need to ‘help’ and to support those we care about – even those we have never really met. So we say things like ‘Time is a great healer’ thinking it will ‘help’.

    ‘Time heals all wounds’ is another thing people may repeat to those who have been wounded, either physically or mentally. Some scars just don’t ‘heal’ – they will always be with you, changing you from the way you were ‘before’. People might choose to have plastic surgery to cover the scar, but the mental ‘scarring’, or brain modification, associated with it is a lot harder (and takes much more effort) to ‘cover’ and it might never truly leave you as you were ‘before’.

    Acceptance and Love are the things we need to develop if we are to ever ‘heal’. As for going ‘back’…
    … there’s another saying about that i believe. 😦

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    1. Thanks Bob – you know when I wrote this, I was in a very happy mood. I saw Fandango’s prompt and it reminded me of the occasional thoughts I have that my life now is so futile compared to my actual life that I am trying to get back to.

      I am a happy person. But this current situation seems such a waste. But I have to be patient with my body. It is frustrating that I have to keep going back to hospital because of my head injuries. I am not very good at being sick.

      It is preventing me from being where I want to be…and it also prevents me from making any other long-term goals or permanent decisions.

      But I am taking one day at a time four years after that night in the park. I have mentioned in other posts that mornings are bad for me. I wake up with very bad head pain and it takes a while for my pain killers to do their magic and help me function. The rest of the day gets better.

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      1. You ARE a happy person, or is that happy personality??

        If i had not read what i have on your blog detailing some of the events in your life that are less than happy, I would have formed a mental picture of the person i first found during the Great Blogging Bake-off – A self-confident, cheerful, efficient and talented, really nice person, full of life – that’s the Caramel i first saw, through my blinkers and from 10000 miles away.

        I’m currently reading a book titled ‘How the Brain Heals Itself’ and the first chapter has to do with chronic long-term pain.

        It is quite a remarkable (true) story which turns on it’s head the recognised treatment of pain and gets sufferers to visualise the areas of the brain that have increased their pain receptor neural connections when they feel strong pain and gets them to see the region of the brain ‘handling’ the pain to shrink.

        It has been shown that our brain can increase the number of neurons (brain ‘cells’) it allocates to pain reception by a factor of 4-5 times in long term pain sufferers, and the techniques aim to resume ‘normal’ services to our bodies with regards pain sensation.

        This is especially successful when the original injury is pretty much healed, but the original pain is still the same, or even worse than when the injury occurred.

        The results have been remarkable with people who were basically in too much pain to move out of a bed for 10 years bringing themselves back to their old level of functioning in as little as a few months and it lasting for years (presumably permanent as the techniques were only invented in 2007 and the book was printed in 2015!)

        Medication was still maintained whilst undergoing this treatment but in a short time it was no longer needed – the (chronic back) pain had decreased to the point where it did not need to be managed with anything more than the occasional aspirin.

        Head injuries can cover a very wide range of conditions, but the brain is a very remarkable organ than most of us have no idea of it’s full potential in being able to provide the life we desire. 🙂

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        1. Thank you for your kind comments Bob. The funny thing is I know how to live with gusto. I know how to be happy. I get on with people. I keep myself busy. I enjoy work, I especially love volunteer work. I enjoy my food, my time with friends, my time alone. I like to make life a pleasure for me and others.

          The main challenge I have is mornings. It just takes a while for that pain to dissipate. My CT scans show “unusual swellings” and I also have had several episodes when my brain stem has swollen leading to severe breathing difficulties. I have entered hospital more times through A&E than I have with outpatient visits to the neurology unit.

          They are delighted with me on the whole but also concerned. I don’t know what to make of how foggy they are on what the swellings are.

          Anyway…I remember having an MRI a while back and becoming quite tearful at the thought that even if the Doctors are not sure what is going on, my Creator knows exactly what is going on.

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  7. Your injuries sound awful Mel, and the uncertainty over them and when they might stop, or become manageable, would not help. Finding it hard to even breathe sometimes..? Scary in the extreme. and yet, as you say, you still know how to be happy, as you have said in your posts and i’m sure that you feel, in part, pretty much of most days. If the Doctors are ‘happy’ then that probably should tell you that you have come a long way from where you were (and what they have probably seen in other cases of injuries) and that you are doing the right things and it may help to think on that sometimes and not just on how far you may have yet to go before you feel ‘normal’ and can find a ‘home’ that feels ‘right’ for you.

    Each one of us have to deal with stresses in our lives and i think it’s fair to say that you have had to deal with more than your ‘fair’ share of stress-causing events. Indeed, i believe our modern world is producing many more kinds of stressful situations for us to deal with 24/7 than we had in the past. (Although situations in the past were probably more of the life or death what-am-i-going-to-eat kind, but those would have been far less in number and so our brain and body would have handled them more simply!) As a result we have a greater pressure being placed upon our mental and physical health than previous generations had to deal with. We have ‘better’ doctors who know more stuff, but it is not the doctors who cure us, our body has to cure us, perhaps with their assistance. Stress prevents the body healing itself correctly as it was designed to do.

    Your Creator understands everything and provides all you ever need at the time you need it. Whether we believe that and are fully able to receive what He intends for us at the right time is largely up to each one of us. Often we are kinda busy dealing with ‘our’ problems and don’t always see the things he is helping us understand or wants us to do.

    Last night, before i read your comment, i was thinking of the ‘Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr, an American theological professor of the 1900’s:

    God, give me grace to accept with serenity
    the things that cannot be changed,
    Courage to change the things
    which should be changed,
    and the Wisdom to distinguish
    the one from the other.

    Living one day at a time,
    Enjoying one moment at a time,
    Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
    Taking, as Jesus did,
    This sinful world as it is,
    Not as I would have it,
    Trusting that You will make all things right,
    If I surrender to Your will,
    So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
    And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

    If we can truly adopt this as our own philosophy it would relieve a great deal of personal stress from us and allow us to function more as we are intended to. (Maybe you would not have felt the need to go to the park that night? Or maybe the circumstances with ‘Jack’ that lead to that decision might not have come about?)

    One of the biggest causes of stress we face can be a feeling of guilt. The solution to any guilt is to confess and truly repent. This does not have to be done to anyone other than to he who created you (Unless the guilt involves someone else who may have been ‘wronged’?) – it is personal, one on One! We may not have done anything that is worthy of guilt but we can still feel guilty none-the-less, and we may not even realise it; our brain blocks it out from our conscious thought, but it may lie deep in our sub-concious causing us much di-stress indirectly.

    I hope my views offer some help/hope for you Mel, if you feel otherwise please let me know – OK? 🙂

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    1. Your are very good to think of my situation so much and to give so much advice.

      I completely understand the need for a good relationship with our heavenly father and talking with him about the mistakes we have made and asking for forgiveness is a vital part of that.

      However, are unusual growths within the body whether they become cancerous or not, a sign that there is something wrong with your relationship with your Creator?

      There have only ever been two perfect men – one was Adam, the other Jesus. All of Adam’s children have inherited the consequences of his sin and we sin. But thanks to the ransom sacrifice of Jesus who paid the price to cover what Adam lost, those who exercise faith in his ransom and are obedient to their Creator can look forward to perfect life on earth as their Creator originally intended.

      I am looking forward to God’s will being done on earth when His Kingdom cleans up the earth.

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      1. I believe our mind and our bodies are mutually dependent and intimately linked – the one affecting the other.

        Our material body is made of atoms which obey physical laws under which our bodies are compelled to comply.

        Our material body is the basis for the establishment of our brains which we use to gain some sort of ‘mastery’ over our own physical life (and sometimes over parts of the lives of others, for right or wrong).

        It is through our brain that we humans have the ability to understand, and get to experience something of, the other world ‘we’ are a part of, the world of Spirit. (Which similarly also has it’s own set of Laws!) Some may argue we also get that connection through the Heart, or even the gut ( intuition ) but in terms of understanding my belief is the brain is the ‘intermediary’ we use to put things into words so as to discuss it (Spirit) with like minded beings.

        Because of the nature of matter in our material universe we tend to take more notice of ‘matters’ of matter and the Earth, such as other people and our material needs, than we do of the matters of Spirit.

        If we followed only the exact Word of God and could deny ourselves the temptations of our material life we would, through His Knowledge, be able to heal ourselves of all dis-ease or suffering.

        We would (again) know Heaven!

        But there may be a few things we have to come to realise about why we are here and why we suffer before we get to that point.

        He has a plan for each and every one of us – who are we to question it?

        We may (should) question ourselves to see what there is for us to learn.

        As for there being 2 perfect men… while Adam was reported to be created by God, if he was made ‘perfect’ would he have allowed Eve to make him break God’s ONE commandment to them both??? Would Eve have listened to the Serpent if she was perfect and followed God’s Word? ( remember that in Genesis 2 God sets a barrier around the Tree of Life to prevent Adam eating of the fruit thereof (lest he become like God and live forever) and yet He did no such thing around the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil which would have ensured Adam lived in Eden/Paradise forever. ?? )

        Are you so sure God intended us to live a perfect life in this imperfect world??

        Jesus set us the exemplar for us to follow – ‘I Am The Way!” but His life on Earth was full of great sorrow (for the cause of humanity) and suffering on behalf of others.

        Humanity has a very long history of thinking they were ‘following’ God…

        … with remarkably poor success to date.

        Maybe there is something we are not quite getting right?

        All things work for the Good – in His Good time. 🙂

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        1. Sorry Bob – after reading the Bible more than twenty times, I am sure my hope is not to be a king in heaven, I hope to live on earth under the rulership of that kingdom.

          Romans 5 explains the significance of Adam and Jesus and the basis for hope humans have.

          During the thousand years after the war of Armageddon, the original purpose for this earth will be accomplished under the rule of that Kingdom. Earth will be a paradise. Humans will have been healed and will be perfect. Then, once they are perfect, they have to choose whether to be like Adam or whether to be like Jesus. What form that test of loyalty and obedience will take remains to be seen. But even the scriptures indicate that some will follow in Adam’s steps. But I hope that most will choose to imitate Jesus.

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  8. I’m so sorry you still have to go through that on a morning. Our circumstances are different but maybe our mornings are not that different. So out of kilter with our personalities. I often think that I am a happy person lost in a sad world these days – often worse until I get adjusted to the day.

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    1. Can you imagine how much I am dreading waking up and getting myself ready to leave the little nest at four o’clock in the morning in order to go to Heathrow next month?
      One I am vertical and can get some painkillers and lots and lots of coffee in me I am hoping it will go smoothly.

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    2. You come across as a happy person with a great sense of humour who has to deal with daily challenges with school etc and other things – and has had a huge and heart-breaking loss that has knocked the stuffing out of you. I wish your lovely lovely wife was with you, I really do. I can only imagine how lost you may feel at times. But Happy Gary is still there and it is wonderful to get glimpses of him.

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