What Am I To Make Of Silence?

exasperatedI think I am less patient than I was in my youth…when it comes to men that is. Forgive me, I should not generalize. But I have had an odd experience recently and I am still rather provoked. I am not seeking to make men in general feel awkward, just to relate a situation that has left me perplexed.

dateOne of the reasons I like Goldfinch so much is that he did not mess around. He knew what he wanted (me) and he went for it. Not in a scary way! I would have recoiled if he had in anyway been pushy. But he made it clear he had warmed to me and he also told me he was in England for just a short time.

But he did not mess me around, leaving me wondering. He is a decisive person (I think so anyway). He wants to do something, he does it. If it doesn’t work out, he won’t sulk, he will carry on living life with gusto.

I had an e-mail recently from a man I went on a couple of dates with this year – let’s call him Matthew. I had not heard from him for a while, but neither had I been in touch with him. I thought we had both just decided it was not going to work out and had naturally stopped communicating. His e-mail baffled me. He seemed to think we were still a “we” or an “us”. He sent me a lovely message explaining his thoughts and feelings over the past few weeks.

I was shocked. It was unexpected. All this time I thought he had lost interest in me (which I was pleased about) and it turns that is far from the case. I e-mailed him back to explain I did think he had lost interest and I was alright with that. I told him I enjoyed the time we spent together. But I explained that a lot has happened (he has no idea about my little apricot) and that I had been in touch with Goldfinch a lot, leading me to decide I wanted to go out to visit him.

He has not replied to my message where I told him that while I had not heard from him, I had been in touch with Goldfinch regularly and am going out to visit him. I don’t know what to make of it. Surely if you are thinking of someone, then the wrong way to go about it is to remain silent for more than seven weeks?

Serious retro couple sitting at restaurantI feel a bit bad. But not a lot bad. Goldfinch has always been so straightforward and clear. Goldfinch has not left me baffled and bewildered. Matthew is a nice guy really. Terrible on dates! Of course those two dates were not helped by me having morning sickness. I could tell he was just awkward. He made the mistake of making some rather lewd comments, which tells me he is not used to women (or at least normal women). But the seven week silence was something I thought indicated he was not thinking of me at all.

My personal view of the world is that if you like someone, you probably should tell them. And it is a risk, because they might not be pleased with that. The worst case scenario is that they are so displeased with you liking them that they behave badly by mocking you and shunning you. But only brutish cold-hearted people do things like that and you should count your blessings for an escape!

If you like someone, find a way to tell them without terrifying them, no stalking them, either physically or online, don’t become obsessed with them before you are even on friendly terms. And nowadays you have to be a bit careful with flirting, especially any physical contact (and this is very important of you know this person through work) because people can start thinking they are being harassed.

I know for some people it can be hard to find the words, and they are so unpolished they can make themselves sound creepy…but keep it simple…something along the lines of, you like their company, they always cheer you up, you like chatting to them, do they want to go for a drink. Don’t be too intense. Be prepared for a no. I have often said no, more because I was so tired, I couldn’t face the idea of making an effort with someone who I felt I hardly knew and had little connection with – it usually had nothing to do with who was asking me. But I was flattered and I didn’t forget, and I always made an extra effort to smile at whoever was asking me out when I saw them in the future.

So I shall see if the man I mentioned replies to my e-mail.

in love againWhy has he stayed silent all this time? While fostering fond feelings for me? I hope he is alright. But him staying silent gave me a carte blanche to think he had lost interest, and I was not to worry about the fact that I had not been able to cultivate any interest in him. His silence made me feel more and more certain that I wanted to save all my money so I could get myself to Australia and see Goldfinch.

And that is all I am thinking of! Being with Goldfinch, who does not mess me around, but is straightforward with me.


25 thoughts on “What Am I To Make Of Silence?”

  1. There is something that doesn’t add up with “Mr. 7-week Silence.” Sounds like a player tactic to me. Either he was giving it a go with someone else and it didn’t work out, or he had some big issues he was dealing with that kept him occupied. Another possibility he was trying to play slick and lost the gamble. I often give guys more credit than they deserve, so maybe none of these is it. Maybe he’s just dense and time went by… Whatever it was, doesn’t matter now, with Goldfinch on the horizon 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. All my thoughts are with Goldfinch.

      I am not sure about “Matthew”. He explained what he would like out of a relationship when I went out with him and it did not match my idea and I made it clear that to me that I had different expectations from a relationship. He seemed nice enough. There were some very easy-going down to earth aspects of his personality, but I do not think he understands the average woman. I think he needs to look in a very particular avenue for the kind of female company he thinks he wants at this stage in life.

      So I was very surprised at how he expressed himself in his recent e-mail. Not what I was expecting from him at all!!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. He does work one week on one week off. So half of that time he has been busy, but the other half of the time, I think he can please himself. When we went out together, he explained that when he is at work he would probably not be in touch but then he would like to spend time with me during his weeks off.

      To be honest Alice, I really thought he had just lost interest.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think men generally are a little bit slower to realise they like someone. They are scared of being too keen so they go the other way and wait for the object of their affections to give them some kind of signal. It is frustrating but just the way they are wired. X

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ages and ages ago, someone said to me, women decide who they will love, and men decide which women loves them the most. While I was not sure what to make of that, it has stayed in my mind for over twenty years.

      I must admit I was making sure I did not send any signals that I wanted to see him again (those two dates were not great and I wanted to see Goldfinch so much, especially with what happened with my little Apricot) and I am pretty shocked that after the time that has passed he claims he has been thinking of me and planning all sorts for the summer with me.

      I have replied to him to explain I really had thought he had lost interest and that all my thoughts have been about Goldfinch, but still had no answer back from him.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can’t stand these men and I’ve known lots of them. They’re always hedging their bets, saying as little as possible so as not to commit to feelings or anything else, stringing multiple women along, waiting for the “best” one, etc. I think it’s as Li says and he liked you but had someone else and it didn’t work with her, so now he tries again with you. He probably has a pile of women he likes on backup. Ughhh!

    Agreed that someone like Goldfinch who is clear on what he wants and isn’t afraid to state it, even with the possibility of rejection, is vastly more appealing than these wishy washy hedgers. The problem though is now you have to go to him… will he ever come back to you? Or! Maybe you will love Australia. Stranger things have happened. Someone I know has fallen for a guy in NZ, visited, and they are talking marriage! ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hmm – I just don’t know. I feel as if Goldfinch deserves to be a very happy man – and I worry that my situation in and out of hospital with my head still being a problem, could cause him tribulation he does not deserve. I love loving him. I don’t like the thought of ever being a burden to him.

      But I am so glad I will see him again. Despite knowing for thirteen months he was leaving, I wasn’t ready when it came. And now I am so glad I will be with him even of just for a short time. Maybe seeing him in Australia and knowing he is happy with my own eyes will help me come back here and be content.

      Or maybe after my trip out there we will be sick of each other! Perhaps we will have a huge argument and never want to talk again – lol! It can’t possibly be as bad as what happened with Jack though!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I have quite a long history of opening my big mouth before i have all the information i may need to comment appropriately. 😉

    I am very thankful that, at least in this case, i managed to keep my big mouth shut just long enough to learn about ‘furry fruit’.

    I am sorry, Mel. 😦 (I got here a little late to properly express my wishes in this regard). 😦

    To the current subject, Matthew.

    I’m kinda curious about what you and Matthew talked about on those dates, even though it is really none of my business, But for what it’s worth, my view of his ‘Silence’, given the VERY little data i have to work on, ( 😉 ) is that (NATURALLY!!!) he’s rather fond of you, but may also be somewhat shy and inexperienced and does not want to come across as in any way ‘pushy’ so he left a suitable (ie: too long) amount of time before he finally dug up the Courage to contact you and let you know his feelings. (Because it was eventually clear to him you were not going to contact him first ! I assume he had made the first two dates and you did not instigate them yourself? These days, what with ‘equality’ being all the rage, there are a number of very confused men who no longer believe it’s the guy who has to do all the ‘work’ and think it’s considered ‘appropriate’ for a relationship to develop if the lady be allowed to take a role in progressing any future shared relations. Not to mention scared men who think they might be slapped with a sexual harrassment suit if they press to hard to win the attentions of a girl they’d really like to spend more time together with or who they might push away by asking too much too soon).

    I’d say you did make quite an impression upon young Matthew but that since this was not a mutual event the decent thing to do would be to explain your honest feelings for him (and maybe yours for G and J to give him a true idea of what he has to compete against if he intends taking this any further), while also possibly suggesting gently that the likelihood of your ‘relationship’ progressing beyond a simple ‘friend Without benefits’ is just about in the negative region at this point in time and perhaps he would have better luck seeing someone else for a while?

    You really do seem to have a knack for complicating what should be a very simple act – letting someone love you romantically and loving them back in some kind of EQUAL measure?

    I think the Goldilocks Principle is best! 🙂


  5. Thanks Bob – I don’t have as heavy heart as I did back in March. Spring and signs of summer ahead are really good for my spirits.

    “Matthew” seemed nervous at first, more than me. I was struggling…I had to excuse myself and run to the ladies because I felt so sick (but now I know what it was nothing to do with poor Matt). He was alright Bob, he has some nice qualities and some of the conversation was about his interests and hobbies, his work and his plans for the future, his family (siblings and their children) and he asked me a bit about myself.

    Where he went wrong – well, where do I begin?
    -he asked me my bra size
    -he made a number of direct comments indicating he liked my shape
    -rather than making eye contact, he stared at parts of my body very much below my chin
    -he made comments about what he would like to do if we were alone
    -he asked some pretty scary questions about what I enjoy regarding intimate relations

    I think I will leave it there, but you get the idea. This is not what I deem as normal for a first date, and it did not help that I had morning sickness. I just wanted to make a hasty escape. The only reason why I went out with him a second time is that he is a friend of a friend and everyone said I should give him a second chance. The second date was better I suppose…if you like football and beer – at least I was not so uncomfortable while his eyes were watching a big screen instead of parts of me.

    I am a princess Bob – he made me feel uncomfortable.


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