Happy Anniversary To Me

I am not sure where to begin with this post. Well…my train of thoughts began when I was queuing up to pay for my crispbreads and a bottle of chardonnay. I noticed that behind the counter were a row of large bottles of spirits – whisky, vodka, gin, vermouth. Their prices were reduced dramatically from around £29 to £16.

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I commented to the cashier that they were large reductions, to which he asked me if I wanted to buy one. I said I didn’t want any, but I said that I wondered if they have been reduced because of the current state of politics, which the cashier and the man queuing behind me found amusing.

sad timesOn the way home, I started thinking about some of the things that have already happened in 2019. It’s been quite eventful in ways. I found out something wonderful about six weeks after Goldfinch had left, and then five weeks later, I lost my little apricot sized bundle of joy. Now as a family we prepare for what is to come as our precious one is facing cancer. “Eventful” times – sigh. Feeling a little sad tonight. It will pass after a good night’s sleep. But for now, writing about it is helping.

I felt a little overwhelmed pondering all this, as I walked along the busy London high street not far from where I live. Then I remembered something. Today is the day that is marked in my diary with a heart.

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The 4th April is circled because it was my first day as a full-time volunteer. I had applied to be one for ten years. And then at long last, I was there. It felt like a miracle. I was one of a handful of single women, out of 600 other full-time volunteers, based in England. One of around 100 single women out of 20,000 full-time international volunteers worldwide.

special lunch.jpgAfter one year as a full-time volunteer (on a trial basis) you find out if you will be accepted as a permanent one. So the following 4th April became a day for celebration.  We normally had a special lunch to celebrate with a group of close friends. Every diary I have had since then has had 4th April marked as a special day for me, the anniversary of my first day as a full-time international volunteer. 4th April always marked down in my diary as the best day of my life.

This evening, after a day at work, working for money, I felt so frustrated with the futility of my current situation. Money has its uses – it  allowed me to buy some food tonight and will buy me a flight to Australia to see Goldfinch. But it feels so empty.

AmbulanceAll the thousands and thousands of hours I have given to volunteering. At least 30,000 hours in 18 years. 30,000 hours, thousands of people who I have had the privilege of working with, who knows how many miles travelled? And because of what happened with Jack…I made a silly mistake and went to a park on my own late at night, and after being the victim to a serious crime woke up in an ambulance.

houseI miss my life so much. My chosen career, my world, my home. I am safe here, but I do not belong here. I live in an area with people who have a vast amount more money than integrity. I just found out that one of the big houses in our road has been bought by one of the biggest names in the British music industry. Oh dear me – another swanky pretentious neighbour. I should not say that. I don’t know them myself. I just want to be back with hundreds of others who work full-time and do not earn a penny. That was pure happiness.

I am feeling a little dismal tonight. It’s my anniversary – but I am not feeling very celebratory. So forgive me if you don’t think I am being balanced. I just miss my life so much. I will go to sleep soon. Another 15 hour work day Friday and then I have the weekend ahead when I will be doing some voluntary work.

I am going to share another little memory with you. My Dad had a record player and a collection of records. However, the speakers did not work. You could listen to music using headphones, but the connection was dodgy, so you had to hold it in place while you listened to music. Dad wanted to share his music collection with me. So he would put the headphones on me and let me listen to his albums, while he held the connector in place.

He had a Barbara Dickson album. There were some great tracks including one that I fell in love with. It had such sad lyrics, but I loved it and I found from a young age I was walking around singing these mournful lyrics at the top of my voice. I was around the age of four or five and singing “don’t they know it’s the end of the world?”

I was delighted when a popular singer named Sonia released a cover of the song when I was still quite young. I thought I would include both versions below:

20 thoughts on “Happy Anniversary To Me

  1. I hope it all works out for you, this is a heartfelt post, and I don’t know you but thank you for sharing how you feel, its very important. Theres a community of folk here who care.
    Plus I saw an amazing photo of a goldfinch today, so maybe that’s a good omen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, that is very kind of you to say. I do try to make sure my site is lighthearted on the whole (I have lots to be very grateful for) but yesterday I just wanted a little grumble.
      I think you are right, there are some lovely peeps who make a very friendly blogging community. I receive some gorgeous messages which is so sweet of other bloggers.
      Goldfinches are quite magnificent aren’t they – especially when they are 6 foot 1 and Australian 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I did sleep very well last night and I am hoping that you did Beckie – I have just sat down for the first time today and I will look out for your updates.
      I am looking forward to seeing Goldfinch so much. It will be the first time in years that I have been abroad. It’s always refreshing to have a change of scene for a while. I am looking forward to lots of hugs from Goldfinch – aaaah sigh 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Happy and sad moments. But I do remind myself that there are so many whose lives are rife with trials and hardships. My life is easy compared to that of many. I may have my occasional grumble, because of what has happened, but I do know I have everything I could possibly need and much more. I would love to be back in my life/home/career/world…and that is my goal. But in the meantime, I am safe and warm and lack nothing.

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    1. That’s the direction I am heading in. Like the little snail in my post about it last year. I have a goal…no matter how long it takes. Some people don’t have any sense of purpose in their lives. Thank you Sadje 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sorry that you are feeling like this at the moment, it sounds like you’ve had some hard knocks recently. Being tired also does not help in the slightest, so I hope you get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling a bit brighter. You have your trip and seeing Goldfinch to look forward to, keep holding on to that 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am alright really 🙂
      I am worried about my family member – that’s natural. But we will have to wait and see how their treatment goes.
      I have had a big disappointment this year, but it’s something that apparently one in four women experience, so I can’t be a wuss. Lots of people have been through this and endured.
      I am definitely looking forward to seeing Goldfinch and I never imagined myself visiting Australia so that is very exciting.
      Life has it’s ups and downs, and I think you are right, it’s when I am tired that the sad things get to me and I need a few tears. Although last night I just fell asleep I was too tired to sulk 🙂

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      1. I am really sorry to hear that, but you sound like a fighter to me so I hope you take the time to rest and recuperate and then soldier on. Be sure to seek out help if you need it though.
        It’s so very difficult when a family member is ill, my thoughts are with you all. I do hope the treatment goes well.
        So excited for your trip to Oz!! It’s going to be amazing I’m sure!!

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  3. I wish you a lovely trip to AU and hope you will soon find what is missing in your life so you can be truly happy and feel safe. I understand the worries related to family member who are facing cancer. I’m in the same situation. It is hard but we need to stay strong so we can be there for them. Good luck. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thnak you so much Dominique. I am becoming very excited by the thought of being with Goldfinch again.

      Naturally, I am worried about my family member, but we just have to take one stage at a time. We are all trying to stay calm and positive. It’s the time you wish you had an off switch for worrying. I am sure you must understand.

      I guess as far as my own situation is concerned, I am safe, which is important, and I have a sweet little abode and a job I enjoy and workmates that are lovely. I do miss the tremendous sense of purpose in my life as a full-time volunteer and the huge amount of people I was able to work with and help. Because of the way I was separated from my life, the crime I fell victim to and the injuries I had to recover from…it is a very unnatural way to be separated from the life that you love. But I am not going to give up on my goal. It gives me a sense of purpose having it as a goal. I am just so far away at the moment, I sometimes feel deflated. But at least I know the direction I am headed in and I already know how wonderful the goal is once reached.

      Liked by 1 person

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