The View From Above

I had to do something very hard this week. It involved Jack. It goes on, the situation with Jack goes on after all this time. I have a fear in my heart, that in my efforts to silence one false rumour, I will trigger an undesirable response from Jack.


Aaaah – to be free! When I saw Teresa’s picture prompt linked to the word: FREE, I thought about how many of us will have longed to be able to spread out our arms and find we had powerful wings, that enabled us to fly far off from the cause of all our stresses. I wonder how many know these famous words:

“If only I had wings like a dove! 

I would fly away and reside in safety.  

Look! I would flee far away.”

It is a great shame that there are situations that develop in our lives that can cause us considerable stress for a prolonged time period. I often wonder if we had a view from above and could see the whole situation in context – maybe it would be easier. Maybe it would be worse.

I have at times thought about if I was an observer, regarding the situation with Jack from above. I would love to have had a view from above. I am sure it would all seem very different. Of course, I have experienced this situation through my own eyes. I have tried many times to see it through Jack’s eyes. For now…I try to flit and float through my life unobtrusively. I am here, not far from Jack, always trying to avoid coming into contact with him. I can’t tell you how many times I have felt the need to make a quick escape when I have realized Jack was near.

On Saturday I went to a party after a ceremony. I had in invitation months ago, which I turned down on account of realizing Jack would be there. Jack is always the life and soul of every party. But a couple of weeks ago I found out Jack was going to be abroad. So, although it was too late to have a seat at the main event, I knew I just had to stay the word and I would be able to attend the party afterwards.

I don’t like being afraid of Jack. He was my friend. We socialised together. We played basketball together. We worked on projects together. We lived together. We were supposed to be on the same team. He helped himself to my tea-bags, my coffee, the milk I had in the fridge. I picked up his clothes from the floor, I emptied and cleaned the bin, I washed his dishes. I washed a lot of his dishes.

Aaaah – to be free of this. I love Jack. But I want to feel free to live my life and be with my friends without fear. It’s a strange thing when someone who was your friend, and then told you over a cup of tea that they loved you, and they had never felt closer to another woman, becomes estranged and starts to lash out at you. But I would still give everything for things to be resolved.

For it is not an enemy who taunts me

Otherwise I could put up with it.

It is not a foe who has risen up against me

Otherwise I could conceal myself from him.  

But it is you, a [volunteer] like me, 

My own companion whom I know well. 

We used to enjoy a warm friendship together



This was my post in response THE ELEMENTAL CHALLENGE hosted by Teresa aka The Haunted Wordsmith:

Regrets Are Lessons Learned (Or So They Say)

Melanie has given us a lot of questions this week for SHARE-YOUR-WORLD. I decided to pick a few of them. Here is Melanie’s original post:

Some of my answers to these questions come straight out of my regrets file!


Rhetorical Questions, but feel free to answer if you’d like:

Why is it called “beauty sleep” when one wakes up looking like a troll??

After a long sleep, sometimes my hair stands up on end like one of those little toys.

But when I have a long sleep it does show in my face, my skin and countenance are so much happier. Not enough sleep and I will regret it – I look dreadful.

Do you know…I was so vain that whenever Goldfinch was with me, I would keep a little bottle of perfume and a bottle of mint mouth spray in my bed side table. I also made sure we always had a bottle of water. I loved sleepy kisses with him, but I wanted to make sure they were sweet kisses.

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?

No idea! But I have had a number of friends who were tragically killed because of other drivers driving at crazy speeds. I have not driven since my head injuries, but I remember that sometimes I would be driving along on the motorway and some goon would drive past at a terrifying speed. Complete disregard for the value of life.

Odd but a bit philosophical or personal:

What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever worn?

bloomers.jpgProbably one of the costumes in a comic spoof charity show we did. I remember wearing a French maid’s outfit with yellow plaits sticking out from a doily cap. I was wearing fancy bloomers underneath my skirt. After bouncing down to the end of the catwalk, I turned around and bent over and waved my touche at the audience so that everyone could see the bloomers – how  shameful!!

I am cringing with the memory of it!

In your opinion, what’s the best type of cheese?

cheese.jpgRegrettably, I am not very good with dairy. But I love cheese! Whenever I am invited to a cheese and wine evening, my heart sinks – because I would love nothing better, but it will make me suffer so much if I partake.

I love so many different types of cheese, but because the softer the cheese, the more it triggers an unpleasant reaction, I have grown fonder of harder cheeses with a stronger taste.

I am most likely to choose parmigiano reggiano because it has so much flavour and you only need a sprinkling to season a dish beautifully. I buy it to add to  my home-made pesto.


Have you ever sent a text message to the wrong person?   Details please.

Woman text messaging in bedYes…Jack. It was awful. Awful. I still feel like crying when I think about it.

A friend of mine named Manuel (yes he was Spanish, but he didn’t work for Mr Fawlty) was texting me about what he had heard Jack say about me at a party. I woke up at about five o’clock in the morning and saw the messages. I thought I had selected REPLY which would have been presented as one of options. I typed my response which was basically along these lines:

Thank you for telling me. But what can I do? I am sick of hearing Jack’s name. He has been making my life a misery for so long. The only way I can get through a day without crying is to pretend Jack does not exist. But he is everywhere. I can’t escape him. Thanks anyway for letting me know. Hope you had a good time last night. Are you going to Lottie and Nathan’s salsa party?

awfulI pressed SEND, but rather than just sending, it asked me which number to send to. So I started scrolling through my contacts. I was so groggy and tired at that time of the morning, that instead of selecting Manuel Barca’s name…I selected Jack Barnes (Barca was next to Barnes). Then as I lay there in bed, reading Manuel’s previous messages again, I noticed my reply was not visible. I checked my SENT MESSAGES…you cannot imagine my horror when I realized I had sent that message to Jack.

And yes Jack reacted! That was a truly dreadful day!

If you could make a rule for a day, and everyone had to follow it, what would it be?

Share a joke, if you know a good one!

I only ever remember one joke. I learnt it at a very young age when my Dad bought me a joke book from a a charity shop. It’s the only joke that has ever stuck in my head: