In His Arms

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I am really really missing Goldfinch at the moment. I have been missing him from the moment he left, but with this painful disappointment I have had recently, I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to have his arms wrapped around me.

Nights are so lonely without him. I feels so wrong to be alone and not to have him wrapping me up and holding me close.

IMG_20180722_123051 (2)I have tried so hard not to be a burden to him in any way. But he has been very supportive and empathetic. I ought to write one day about the strong desire I have not to be a burden to those I love. It does mean that often I choose not to say how sad I might be.

But I found over the weekend that despite being with great friends and having a lot to keep me busy, I kept on thinking of him. All I want in the whole wide world is to be resting next to him with his heart beating a few inches from mine and his warm embrace holding me tight.

It can’t have been easy for him…although I hope he has not been burdened in any way, I think he has been stunned by the sad news. He has said some very lovely things – and of course that means so much. But all I want is to be in his arms.

I often feel as if I don’t have much to offer in return. I would do anything remotely helpful…whether that be cooking, cleaning, ironing, gardening, washing the car – anything. I would do anything to be able to be wrapped up in those arms each night.

Why on earth did he have to be from the opposite side of the planet?

19 thoughts on “In His Arms”

    1. Hi Roberta – I wish it was easier.

      When I met Goldfinch, he was in England for work. I met him at the end of October 2017. He thought he would be returning to Australia when the project he was working on was finished in March 2018. He told me the very first night I met him he was only in England for a short time. But the project went over-schedule. Goldfinch ended up being in England until December 2018.

      During that time, my feelings for Goldfinch grew deeper and deeper. But I have known all along that he had a house in Australia, he has a son in Australia, as well as his ageing parents, siblings and all of his friends out there. His life is in Australia.

      My life is here really. I would love to imagine myself following him there. But much as he might be amused by it, I think I would perhaps become a burden. When I was the victim of a crime a few years ago, I received major head injuries that have meant I have had frequent visits to hospital. I have a lot of support here from my family and friends. I would still love to return to my home and career on the other side of London where I was working as a full-time volunteer for various charities – being sent to wherever there was a need. But because of my head injuries, I can’t yet be in that role because of the risks.

      I love Goldfinch so very very much. I was shocked when I realized a few weeks after he left that I had a little blueberry who was going to change my life. I was very disappointed when I lost her/him a few weeks ago. Devastated.

      It’s been a rocky road really. However, I have kept my spirits up, tried to show my resilience and Goldfinch has been wonderful. I am planning a visit in June.

      Goldfinch is a wonderful man. He is a happy person and he loves life. He is balanced and active. He has only ever been wonderful to me. I don’t think he would do something irrational and overly sentimental though – like men in Hollywood movies. I know he cares for me. But I am not so wonderful that he would abandon all just to be with me in England. And if I were to be in Australia, I could end up being dependant on him in ways that would make me feel like a burden.

      I don’t know…all I do know is I love him. The rest is a bit of a muddle.

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    1. I miss him Sadje. I do feel very sad at times without him. But the happiness he has given me far outweighs that.

      I was heartbroken when I ended the courtship with my teenage sweetheart when I was in my mid-twenties. I was really heartbroken when my ex-flatmate Jack became so hostile towards me – that brought me to despair. Meeting Goldfinch has been an unexpected bonus and blessing in my life.

      I shouldn’t sulk…Goldfinch has enriched my life and helped rebuild my confidence in men. I just miss him so much – I try to keep smiling, but every now and then I will have my little sad moments because him not being near is hard.

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    1. Thank you Ashley. Goldfinch is very special to me. But his home is the other side of the planet. It’s been three and a half months since he returned to his home. I am missing him a lot. I am planning to visit in June.

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  4. I’m so grateful to hear he’s working with you. He realizes you’re not being a burden but you hurt for him. And vice versa.

    I’m sorry, but it makes the reunion so sweet!

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  5. My heart breaks for you. Why does it seem that everything always happens at once? I am a firm believer that what’s meant to be will always find a way, so I’m holding you in my thoughts and prayers that it happens sooner rather than later, no matter what that is.

    I admire your outlook. You’ve been through so much, yet here you are clinging to the good things, letting your light shine despite the darkness trying to consume you. I greatly admire that and I applaud you for it.

    I wish nothing but the best for you & Goldfinch, and I truly hope you find some comfort soon. Hugs!

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    1. Hi Kristian

      Thank you for your beautiful comment. I have a couple more hours of work before I head home, but I have a feeling I am going to be through the front door and straight to collapsing on the sofa!

      I think my life has very much been mostly good, actually some pretty amazing things really. I feel I have had the best of the best in so many ways. I have had some trials – it is true, and one of them is falling in love with someone whose home was on the opposite side of the planet! But I don’t want to focus too much on the trials (I try so hard to make my site lighthearted and joyful on the whole, so that I can have my occasional sad posts).

      I know many many others who have been through far more difficult trials than I have – including yourself, reading about your loss of your beloved mom, it’s something I have not yet experienced.

      I am a happy creature – truly. I have more than I need and know I have a wonderful loving supportive family and group of friends. But yes, I miss Goldfinch. He is the one I wanted these past few weeks…oh so much. But I will have to wait until June.

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    1. I am happy in life. Even when there are sad things, I don’t let them beat me.

      I think with Goldfinch…well, he was so unexpected, he brought me so much happiness, a completely unexpected bonus and blessing.

      I knew from Day One that he was returning to Australia. But rather than four months with him, I had thirteen months.

      I had a wonderful wonderful year with him. It has only made me more happy and enriched my life. He was the first man I really felt comfortable with after the crime I was victim of. Goldfinch has done wonders for me.

      So…I hope it does not come across too unbalanced when I write about him. He is a special part of my life….and I don’t want to stop celebrating him….but it is highly unlikely that the circumstance of the two of us residing on opposite sides of the planet will ever change.

      But I will enjoy him being my favourite penpal and maybe occasional visits…until there are major changes that prevent me from having a very special penpal in my life.

      He still makes me happy. But I think it’s natural that I miss the physical aspect of our relationship. He was amazing.

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