I spent most of today in hospital. I had an appointment for a CT scan. I had some preliminary feedback about the strange swellings still clearly showing up. Apparently more inflamation than the last scan. But something else I mentioned to my consultant resulted in me being sent to the other end of the hospital and hanging around in a waiting area for a few hours.
I have been told not to be anxious. I am going to have to wait a little while to be sure of what is happening. But I am not sure I can think about fruit right now.
I have come back to the little nest feeling … what is the word? I don’t think I want to put to much effort into explaining my feelings at the moment in all honesty, I just want to sleep. But if I use the word “deflated” to communicate some of what I am experiencing. I don’t want to write about it.
I had intended to ring a friend on the way back to my little nest. But I decided I wanted to be alone instead. All I want to do is climb into bed and drift into sleep. I have to admit, there are some days when it is such a relief to be able to write about something that is hard to comprehend. Those are the days when I wonder how I will ever be able to face the harsh cold winds that blow in this world.
I am trying to dismiss any anxious thoughts, or any angry thoughts. I had to do some overtime over the weekend and I was very tired, especially after working a fifteen hour day on Friday and then having to get up early to work all day on Saturday. And on Friday afternoon I got all worked up about “stuff”. Stuff to do with Jack. I was really upset. I can’t let myself dwell on the thought that the extra demands may have had devastating consequences. It is completely pointless letting my thoughts wander down hurtful roads like that.
It is a strange thing, but I have never particularly liked apricots. I don’t dislike them, but I have never enjoyed them as much as many other fruits. Little apricots are apparently very vulnerable I found out today.
I cannot bring myself to read more about apricots. I had intended to. I think I just need to be sound asleep right now. Sleep is a very safe place when you are overwhelmed. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine.
Eleven weeks since I said goodbye to Goldfinch. More than ever I need his warm arms around me.