Little Apricots Are Very Vulnerable

rainbowfruit.jpgI spent most of today in hospital. I had an appointment for a CT scan. I had some preliminary feedback about the strange swellings still clearly showing up. Apparently more inflamation than the last scan. But something else I mentioned to my consultant resulted in me being sent to the other end of the hospital and hanging around in a waiting area for a few hours.

I have been told not to be anxious. I am going to have to wait a little while to be sure of what is happening. But I am not sure I can think about fruit right now.

I have come back to the little nest  feeling … what is the word? I don’t think I want to put to much effort into explaining my feelings at the moment in all honesty, I just want to sleep. But if I use the word “deflated” to communicate some of what I am experiencing. I don’t want to write about it.

resting1I had intended to ring a friend on the way back to my little nest. But I decided I wanted to be alone instead. All I want to do is climb into bed and drift into sleep. I have to admit, there are some days when it is such a relief to be able to write about something that is hard to comprehend. Those are the days when I wonder how I will ever be able to face the harsh cold winds that blow in this world.

I am trying to dismiss any anxious thoughts, or any angry thoughts. I had to do some overtime over the weekend and I was very tired, especially after working a fifteen hour day on Friday and then having to get up early to work all day on Saturday. And on Friday afternoon I got all worked up about “stuff”. Stuff to do with Jack. I was really upset. I can’t let myself dwell on the thought that the extra demands may have had devastating consequences. It is completely pointless letting my thoughts wander down hurtful roads like that.

Apricots, Fresh, Nutrition, FoodIt is a strange thing, but I have never particularly liked apricots. I don’t dislike them, but I have never enjoyed them as much as many other fruits. Little apricots are apparently very vulnerable I found out today.

I cannot bring myself to read more about apricots. I had intended to. I think I just need to be sound asleep right now. Sleep is a very safe place when you are overwhelmed. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine.

Eleven weeks since I said goodbye to Goldfinch. More than ever I need his warm arms around me.

31 thoughts on “Little Apricots Are Very Vulnerable

    1. I will be alright. Yes my family will be wonderful – as ever.
      I met a woman on the tube tonight – complete stranger – but she started chatting and she said all the right things without knowing what had happened to me today. I am thinking of her words even now.
      I just need to rest. I must not be upset. They told me I will have to wait a few days to be sure.
      I am just very tired right now.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. know you’re missing him but too much work and health complications would deflate anyone … stay cheery and expect the best … plenty of time to face trouble if and when it arrives ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had was very excited in the spring. I wrote a few “fruity posts” one a week I think. It was too early to tell everyone my news. But I was finding it hard to contain it. I was reading information about the development of a baby at seven, eight, nine, ten weeks etc, and at each stage, they comapred the size of the baby to fruit. Blueberry, raspberry, grape, strawberry, apricot. I lost my little apricot at eleven weeks.

      It was super sad. I still can’t let myself think about it because it make me sob so much. My little apricot is sleeping soundly a beautiful garden that belongs to a family member in Snowdonia.

      Spring this year was quite an emotional rollercoaster for me.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Don’t you worry. I read that 1 in 4 women have been through the same loss.
          I wrote some terrible poetry and spent time with friends that love me. And it made me even more determined to get out to Australia to see Goldfinch.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I see this post is over 6 months ago, I hope it is all past tense for you. Hospitals aren’t pleasant, in fact I never really knew one until I was in one for a month! But I go back every couple of weeks and visit my old ward – it is far more pleasant when you know you’re going home in an hour!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s