Little Apricots Are Very Vulnerable

rainbowfruit.jpgI spent most of today in hospital. I had an appointment for a CT scan. I had some preliminary feedback about the strange swellings still clearly showing up. Apparently more inflamation than the last scan. But something else I mentioned to my consultant resulted in me being sent to the other end of the hospital and hanging around in a waiting area for a few hours.

I have been told not to be anxious. I am going to have to wait a little while to be sure of what is happening. But I am not sure I can think about fruit right now.

I have come back to the little nest  feeling … what is the word? I don’t think I want to put to much effort into explaining my feelings at the moment in all honesty, I just want to sleep. But if I use the word “deflated” to communicate some of what I am experiencing. I don’t want to write about it.

I had intended to ring a friend on the way back to my little nest. But I decided I wanted to be alone instead. All I want to do is climb into bed and drift into sleep. I have to admit, there are some days when it is such a relief to be able to write about something that is hard to comprehend. Those are the days when I wonder how I will ever be able to face the harsh cold winds that blow in this world.

I am trying to dismiss any anxious thoughts, or any angry thoughts. I had to do some overtime over the weekend and I was very tired, especially after working a fifteen hour day on Friday and then having to get up early to work all day on Saturday. And on Friday afternoon I got all worked up about “stuff”. Stuff to do with Jack. I was really upset. I can’t let myself dwell on the thought that the extra demands may have had devastating consequences. It is completely pointless letting my thoughts wander down hurtful roads like that.

It is a strange thing, but I have never particularly liked apricots. I don’t dislike them, but I have never enjoyed them as much as many other fruits. Little apricots are apparently very vulnerable I found out today.

I cannot bring myself to read more about apricots. I had intended to. I think I just need to be sound asleep right now. Sleep is a very safe place when you are overwhelmed. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine.

Eleven weeks since I said goodbye to Goldfinch. More than ever I need his warm arms around me.

31 thoughts on “Little Apricots Are Very Vulnerable

    1. I will be alright. Yes my family will be wonderful – as ever.
      I met a woman on the tube tonight – complete stranger – but she started chatting and she said all the right things without knowing what had happened to me today. I am thinking of her words even now.
      I just need to rest. I must not be upset. They told me I will have to wait a few days to be sure.
      I am just very tired right now.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. know you’re missing him but too much work and health complications would deflate anyone … stay cheery and expect the best … plenty of time to face trouble if and when it arrives ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had was very excited in the spring. I wrote a few “fruity posts” one a week I think. It was too early to tell everyone my news. But I was finding it hard to contain it. I was reading information about the development of a baby at seven, eight, nine, ten weeks etc, and at each stage, they comapred the size of the baby to fruit. Blueberry, raspberry, grape, strawberry, apricot. I lost my little apricot at eleven weeks.

      It was super sad. I still can’t let myself think about it because it make me sob so much. My little apricot is sleeping soundly a beautiful garden that belongs to a family member in Snowdonia.

      Spring this year was quite an emotional rollercoaster for me.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Don’t you worry. I read that 1 in 4 women have been through the same loss.
          I wrote some terrible poetry and spent time with friends that love me. And it made me even more determined to get out to Australia to see Goldfinch.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I see this post is over 6 months ago, I hope it is all past tense for you. Hospitals aren’t pleasant, in fact I never really knew one until I was in one for a month! But I go back every couple of weeks and visit my old ward – it is far more pleasant when you know you’re going home in an hour!


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