The look you gave me when I refused to go up on stage and do a karaoke duet with you.
The cold shoulders, the icy stares.
The cool silence when you were with me.
The slamming doors – ugh that was childish – wasn’t it?
The rage just because I had gone out with a male friend for a drink.
The anger with which you conveyed your annoyance that I cleaned up your mess.
The fury when I made it clear to our friends that we did not have a romantic connection.
The confusion over why you were resentful.
The dread that I had hurt you without realizing.
The uneasiness around you, what you would do and say next.
The regret because at some stage I think I must have misunderstood you.
The longing for peace and pleading with you that we could resolve the rift.
The despair at realizing there was nowhere I could go to escape this and be free.
I wanted peace Jack. I wanted us to clear the air, to come to an understanding. I wanted the chance to understand what I had done to hurt you and not just suffer punishment from you in complete ignorance. You are a wonderful person. I cannot understand why you and I could not just resolve whatever misunderstandings and miscommunications we have had.
I cannot tell you how many times I have wished these burdensome worries on my mind could be lifted. If I could take all the pain and confusion and fear and sadness and wrap it up and tie it to the largest anchor and let it go, throw it away, all to the bottom of the ocean and for it to sink down, deep into the blackest parts of the sea – and for it to be gone.
I loved you Jack, and I still love you probably as much now as I ever did, but you leave my heart as heavy as ever. You have left me always fighting to keep my head above water, always struggling to want to stay alive and not sink down to the bottom of the ocean, into the blackest parts of the sea – and to be gone.
That’s why I was so glad when Goldfinch found me. That’s why it’s so hard now that Goldfinch has gone. Because the heavy heart, full of you Jack, creeps back. I am going to keep fighting and keep living. But I am still longing for the relief that only you can give.