I am listening to what family and friends say about my future. I am making sure Goldfinch is involved also with any decisions.
Everyone who knows me knows I love to love. I look for opportunities with my family and friends to make their day, bring them a smile, a ray of sunshine. Everyone knows I hate being single and having to deal with unwelcome flirting and attention.
So they know that at some point I am going to yearn to be in a close relationship with a man who loves me and can provide the much needed hugs after a long tiring day and take long walks in the countryside holding my hand tight. They know I like to spoil a man with my cooking and baking and think of all sorts of little ways I can be a blessing and a bonus to that man. But it has to be a man I genuinely like and respect. It is completely natural for anyone of us to want that. I have extra reasons now to think about what kind of a man would be prepared to accept me in my current situation.
But as I am sure as many will testify is true, them there fish in that sea out there – there are some scary fish swimming around! And although I am referring to men, I imagine that it can be very scary for men as well. There are some monstrous women out there – I know!
I know you know what I am talking about! The scariest are the ones that seem to be decent at first, and you fall for them – hook, line and sinker – in your nieveity, and then they turn out to be monsters. Diving into the sea, with plenty of fish, it is a really scary thing to do.
Right now, I am receiving text messages from two different male friends who both seem intent on putting all sorts of ideas in my head of how they would like me to be spending the weekend. It’s frightening – the moment some men know you are single, they feel they can make any kind of suggestive suggestion to you. Scary!
I texted one back saying “only a month since I said goodbye to one of the loveliest men on the planet – sooooooo not ready for a piranha”. He seemed to think I was being good-humoured, (I suppose I could have made it much clearer) apparently he thought being called a piranha was some sort of compliment. Piranhas might look pretty enough from the outside, but their focus is on gratifying their own hunger. They are probably going to devour you!!!
Well, it’s alright for a man to express his interest. But I think I am a bit sensitive to the way that is done. I don’t want to resort to informing or reminding male friends that I have been a victim to a traumatic crime, that will naturally make me wary of anyone who is putting emphasis on their interest being physical.
I don’t know – of course it’s alright for a man to express their interest. But you kind of get a feel for someone by the way they communicate. If they are not capable of forming a text message that makes you feel nice, but in a respectful way, what are they going to be like on a date? I don’t think I want to risk putting myself in a position where I am likely to freak out and storm out on them.
Besides…as I have said many a time before – it is way way too soon. It still makes me feel sick to think of holding hands with any other man other than Goldfinch. I am not ready. But I might be ready to chat via texts or calls with a man capable of being lovely, with a view to slowly slowly building up a rapport. So long as he lets me talk about my feelings for Goldfinch. That way a bond would build up slowly slowly. I would feel drawn to such a wonderfully large-eared man. I am much more likely to find that at a later date when we go out for a coffee or walking in the park, that I might feel comfortable with him taking my hand into his.
I am just so very frightened at the thought of it. I am literally terrified nowadays that a man might become obsessive, or demanding, or try to push me or pressure me to agree. I don’t enjoy anyone who seems to be capable of degrading women, even talking about their encounters with other women in a way that humiliates them. It makes me feel sick. Anger and disgust brew inside of me. I am terrified of men who cannot take no for an answer. Who resort to expressing their hurt over being rejected by using social media to completely belittle someone. It is a scary world. People can seem so lovely, but when they are cross, they can lose control over their feelings and strike out at you using the internet. I have a huge fear of the way someone can use social media to strike out at someone.
I am like a shy little fish who is very wary. I don’t want to be eaten alive! I think I have good reasons to be nervous. I endured two years of seeing horrible horrible comments made about me on social media sites. People said things that were completely false and very unkind. Even if they had been true, they would have been a complete invasion of privacy. Then in my distraught state of mind, I forgot about my own personal safety and was in a park late at night on my own. I woke up in an ambulance the following morning. After enduring all that, I have every reason to be nervous and cautious.
There is one male friend, well…more a friend of a friend, who I can tell is kind of sweet on me, but he is holding back I think. He sends me one message a day though. His messages are normal, and nice. He has not said anything inappropriate. He did say he would like to go for a coffee with me some time. I said I would like to. He is going on holiday next week so I probably won’t hear from him. But we have set a date to go for coffee in February. He is a little bit – how can I put this? “cuddly” not overly, in fact it makes me feel more attractive – which is not a bad thing. Goldfinch was so gorgeous, I felt unworthy of him. But this guy seems nice, he seems genuine. He likes music (as do I), he loves animals (adorable) and he likes reading, he loves history. He is a down to earth hard working man. He seems wonderfully normal. There is something about him that makes me feel safe – which I have realized is more important to me than looks or pretty much anything else.
If a man can convince me I am physically and emotionally safe with him – I am a woman who absolutely loves to love. But I can’t explain the fear of all the possibilities that may jeopardise my ability to trust men. My heart was pretty bruised and battered after everything that happened with Jack. Goldfinch helped my heart glow warm and grow strong again. Goldfinch has built up that sense of trust and stemmed my fears. I think it might only take one bad experience with a man, for me to lock myself away from the possibility of any future romance.
I am just hoping that eventually one of them there fish in the sea turns out to be not so scary, but actually really nice. Sometimes that seems like an impossible task (sorry to all male readers – I am sure many of you are quite lovely, but you must know what I mean). One day, there will be a fish who will come swimming along and …