I was reading through the post from Laura Bailey, creator of All The Shoes I Wear with her Three Way Writing Prompt, which she posts each Monday. The photo above is part of that prompt and another part is the word “EVANESCENT”. I kind of knew what it meant, but I rarely use it in conversation, so I thought I would check the definition.
Evanescent: soon passing out of sight, memory, or existence;
quickly fading or disappearing
Now, please do forgive me, but I felt a ripple of pain strike through my heart. I don’t want to let go of Goldfinch in my heart. I am determined to keep him there always. Now I have a real reason never to let go of him.
I have agreed to go for a coffee with a man (a friend of a friend) on a sort of date. Goldfinch knows – I have told him I feel awful about it – it seems like a betrayal for some reason. But it seems like a good idea for reasons I won’t write about in this post.
I am almost more terrified of the coffee-date going well, than of it being a disaster. I am going to write more about that situation in other posts. But the photo in Laura’s writing prompt and the word “evanescent” made me think of a very famous verse from Sir Walter Scott’s “The Lady Of The Lake”:
So sad!! Every now and then grief rushes over me like a giant wave and a gnawing aching thought that he has gone…and forever…oppresses me. It’s so oppressive. I cannot let it dominate my thinking. I try to dwell on the wonderful memories I shared with him and be happy that he is happy and where he belongs.
I am going out on this coffee-date because I don’t think I should wallow in grief for a long long time. I am going out on this coffee-date because am still in constant communication with Goldfinch and can involve him in my decisions. I am going on this coffee-date because I am frightened of being alone and having to deal with future challenges on my own. I might possibly be going on this coffee-date because deep down I am in need of a man to hug me and hold me and allow the accrued pain from all sorts of losses – some little, some large to ease out of my heart.
There are things I need and am going to need in the future that Goldfinch just can’t provide from Australia. I would have been content to stay in a bubble of grief for longer. But I have to be mindful of the future.
But I do not want my love for Goldfinch to be evanescent. I do not want it to fade away. I felt so horrified at the very thought of my love for Goldfinch being evanescent that I immediately searched for words that have the opposite meaning and now I have a substantial list:
I know there are others, including some wonderful bloggers, who have lost on a far greater scale than I have. I am sure you have grieved even more deeply than I. This awful dread that my love could be evanescent. This guilt over agreeing to go on a coffee-date. This determination never to let go, to cling tight to a love that has meant so much, and expect everyone in the world to know that he cannot be replaced – it’s just he’s gone, and I don’t believe he is coming back.
I am sure there are many who will understand and empathize and probably be able to express it very beautifully.