For several days after Goldfinch flew away, my sadness was manifest by weepy moments and leaky eye episodes. But this week, it has been harder. Now…my emotions are becoming wildly unpredictable! They can swing one way or another within a few seconds! The reality is sinking in.
I could not sleep last night – which is very very unlike me. I sleep like a log. I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Last night I was sobbing and so distraught I was still awake at four o’clock in the morning, so in the end I had to get myself up and make myself some honey soya milk and eat some of the chocolate Goldfinch gave me before he left. I haven’t eaten properly since the weekend. I ate all the leftovers I had from cooking and baking for Goldfinch last week and then when I ran out of food, I was too gloomy to go food shopping. So this week I have been eating carrot sticks and drinking coffee.
I was chatting with my parents and they want me to eat properly, but said at least they know I will be eating well next week when I am with my family. Mum said it is normal and natural to lose your appetite when you are down-hearted. Dad said it sounds like I have all the symptoms of being love-sick. They told me to keep an eye on myself ,and keep talking about how I feel, so that others can be supportive, and my sadness does not become extreme.
I bought posh bread (as in three times the price of the bread in the super-market and a very strange shape and full of holes) tonight from one of the five artisan bakeries which are now on the high street round the corner from the little nest. It smells delicious. I am going to have some for breakfast tomorrow – it’s much too late to eat now.
I worked from 8am – 5pm (cooking for a client) and then this evening I went to help out on a project I am regularly involved in – so much work to do there! I was rushed off my feet. I was tired, and, as I have come to realize, that is when I’m at my weakest. I started to cry. Tears pouring down my face.
Just then I felt a little vibration against my hip…I pulled out the little Nokia phone I have, and it was a message from Goldfinch!!!! It felt like a little miracle! A message all the way from Adelaide when I needed him the most! He was on his way to an interview and he was wearing the after shave I gave him!
That scent is so gorgeous – I can smell it now…there is a faint residue on the robe I always lent to Goldfinch when he came here to the little nest. I was even thinking of buying a small bottle just so that I can breathe in the scent of him when I miss him.
Suddenly the clouds broke and warm golden sunshine, Adelaide sunshine all the way from Australia, sent by Goldfinch himself, poured into my heart!
I have realized that I have a lot of this to come…I think they call it “mood swings”!!! One moment I am sobbing, the next moment, my heart is singing and I am excitedly telling everyone about what Goldfinch is up to.
My emotions are going to be a bit wild and unruly for a while I feel. Being with family next week will be a great help. But every time I hear from Goldfinch my heart is going to sing! I think I love him!