I am so so sad that Goldfinch is leaving. Oh I can’t tell you!
But what I am finding very very hard, and annoying too…is that this impending departure is stirring up everything in my heart to do with Jack. I keep on thinking about Jack, when more than ever I want to think of Goldfinch, and only Goldfinch.
That’s what happens when your heart has never really healed. It interferes with other relationships, other goodbyes.
It’s amazing that despite all the joy that Goldfinch has brought me, and the fact that it is very sad and very hard having to say goodbye … it’s the deep grief about the rift between Jack and I that is dominant still. Feelings of sadness over anything trigger memories of Jack and the deep sadness he stirred within me. That’s a brain malfunction isn’t it!
All week I have been battling memories of Jack and everything that happened between us. I keep on thinking about the cocktail party I walked into only to find that there was only one other woman beside myself and three men including Jack. I was alarmed, why were there so few people there? Both of the other two men (Benny and Tom) had asked me out in recent months. I mentioned them in another post actually:
I had been to the Royal Albert Hall with both of them on separate occasions. I had been out for dinner many times with one of them. We were good friends, and we had worked together on many projects. The other I had worked with on a fraud case – we both worked in accounts for many years. He liked classical music, he took to me to a few recitals. I had known both of them long before I ever met Jack. They were both flirting with me. I think the vermouth was making them both giddy. I was so uncomfortable. I kept on looking at Jack, trying to make it clear how unwanted the attention was. I wanted to be sitting next to him. I wanted attention from him.
Jack was being an oaf at the time! For weeks, he kept on making sly comments about me being all the boy’s favourite. I had not been involved with anyone since I had met Jack. I had been out for a drink or a meal or to the cinema or theatre with some men who had asked me out. However, I had made it clear to them that I was not interested in them.
The morning of that horrid cocktail party, I had made another attempt to settle the situation with Jack. Around half five that morning that I had pushed a note under his door asking him if he was being unkind about me because he was jealous. I told him in that note that I cared about him more than any other man. I told him that although I had lots of male friends I was not encouraging any of them. I stated I was not interested in any other man.
Jack was not inviting me to do anything with him, not a concert, not dinner, not a coffee. Jack was giving me sly glances and making sly remarks about me. I just looked at Jack with pleading expressions. I wanted to talk, but he made it so difficult for me. Many times he was downright rude to me in public.
I turned up at the party, which was far smaller than I was expecting (have you ever been to a party for only five people?), wearing a stunning cocktail dress (if I do say so myself) and Jack was sat at the far end of the room. I was terribly cautious of him, because he was so unpredictable. I did not want him to be rude to me, plus on that very morning I had pushed that note under his door and I did not know how he felt at that point. He sat at the oppoosite end of the three-seater sofa from the only other female in the room (who was named Selina), not looking at her once. He perched there glaring at me all evening, while the other two men sat either side of me merrily sharing memories of strange things that had happened on projects we had worked together on. They both were paying compliments to me and topping up my martini glass. Selina was obviously fed up with the situation. She left after an hour. She lived in the same apartment block as Tom, who was our host for the evening. I was not going to leave before Jack did.
I made sure I left with Jack. I was absolutely determined to. I tried to talk to him about it while we were standing at the bus-stop. He would not hear what I had to say. The bus arrived and I realized some of the passengers recognized Jack and they were taking photos of us together. Jack was silent and broody with me, but when his fans started to speak to him he responded by being lively and making them laugh.
Isn’t it ridiculous that after spending a wonderful year with gorgeous Goldfinch, all I can think of is Jack? I think I should come with a warning / caution label for any future man who sets his sights on me. I have never had the chance to heal from what happened to Jack. I can love. Boy can I love. I can love another man, just as I have truly loved Goldfinch. But the damage is still there, and until I have chance to square things with Jack, I do think he will keep popping up at unwanted times. He will always be a cloud on future joys. A Jack shaped cloud.
I am going to try to keep Jack in the box and high up on the shelf. I don’t like him jumping out of the box at unwanted times. This should be Goldfinch’s week.