When Goldfinch heads back to Australia…I will be officially single again. This is not something I am looking forward to at all. Quite the opposite in fact.
I mean I would love to just be his pen-pal and save my spare cash to visit him in Australia and hope he can visit England. But, I am sure he does not have the same appetite for writing as I do and he does not want to ask me to be lonesome for the rest of my days without him. I am sure that he will have no difficulty finding a wonderful lady in Australia, because Goldfinch is a very wonderful man.
Thus, although I can always count on Goldfinch being a special part of my life, the 10,100 miles between us will mean I am single. Technically that begins the moment he gets on a plane at Heathrow Airport and leaves me far behind. That will be an achey breaky heart moment…walking out of Terminal 2 without him.
But I will not be ready to be single at that point. I feel as if I should be able to present a doctor’s note or some evidence to make it clear that just because Goldfinch has gone, I am not ready to replace him in a hurry. I have a male friend who seems soft on me and who keeps asking when Goldfinch is going. Well, frankly I kind of resent that he wants Goldfinch out of the way. It is not going to happen between he and I!
I don’t particularly like being single. It’s not just the lonesomeness I don’t like. It’s traversing the world of single men. It’s so great when you can tell someone you are not available. It makes life easier by far.
Singleness is awkward. Everyone wants to introduce you to someone or set you up on a date. It’s a nuisance. The embarrassment of meeting men and it all being wrong…oh so wrong…and wondering why on earth your friends thought you would get on with this man. It’s painfully awkward for me because I don’t like the thought of hurting anyone…so sometimes I can’t be straightforward with someone that I think their language/attitude/manners are repugnant. Some men have thought things were going well because I am so polite and gracious, so they don’t have any idea that in my head I am counting the moments until I can escape.
Although every now and then I do meet someone I think is lovely…only to find out that they don’t find me their cup of tea. Or…maybe the timing is just really bad. Or there may be endless complications and challenges – a subject I intend to address in another post at a later date.
I have to admit…I am really not looking forward to being single again. It’s so easy when you feel you belong to one man who you love, admire, respect, feel proud of. Being single…oh dear…I am dreading it for so many reasons.